50. I am a David Deida Whore!

Apparently things happen when you decide to rent a cute little cottage in the country for a week.  Firstly, I would like to note that apparently this country air makes you channel Betty Crocker because as we speak, I am baking.  My neighbor gave me a shit load of bananas and I am currently making some bullshit self concocted version of banana cake.  In my country oven on the porch.  I am also on my fifth David Deida tantra book in as many days, but who’s counting? 🙂

Yep… I have participated in four tantra workshops but have never actually read this home boys books.  Holy shit, talk about confronting.  True.  Beautiful.  Startling.  Exposing.  Just about any adjective that you would like to insert will probably do here.  This man is all about breaking the mould.  And it is making me reel with the awareness of the games I’ve been playing all my life.  To save you 5 days in the country inhaling David Deida books whilst cooking dodgy banana bread, I will summarise:

Basically he says that we all have either a masculine or feminine essence, whether male female, heterosexual or homosexual.  Most women are feminine in their sexual essence and most men are masculine.  Feminine is all about surrender, about shining light, about being taken, being sensual and juicy.  Masculine essence is about standing strong in truth, with purpose and claiming your woman with your integrity and love.

Now considering that I met my last serious partner at a tantra workshop, I would like to say that I have definitely had a taste of this.  This whole losing your self in the overwhelming essence of falling into feminine softness and letting myself be ravished by the incredible strength of manhood.  Yum.  Better than my banana cake.

But what I realized is that despite my truth being all soft and gushy and lovey just like 80% of women, I am a hard arse.  Bless J.  Basically as a child I was told that I was smart but not pretty, so I think that I just accepted as my fate that I would have to use my charm, wit and other intellectual forces to seduce since I wasn’t gonna cut it with my little outer shell.  Unfortunately what I have come to realize is that I am confronted by women preening and cooing, slapping out cleavage and big thigh hunks like a butcher’s special.  And I judge these Goddesses.  I am quietly enraged by their efforts (and successes) at collecting the booty at the end of the night when all that my wit and chit chat has got me is a few more man friends who think I’m tops but don’t want to fuck me.  Or the man boys maybe do cos I am more of a man than they are.  Bless them too.  But really, in short:  I’m a confounded fucking mess!

This awareness hit me like a big slap across the face with tantra book number 4.  After about 6 hundred pages of repeated messages, it finally got through:  Yes, a large part of me has become masculine.  I am organized.  I can get shit done.  I know what I want.  I’m not so good at surrendering control.  But it doesn’t mean that I like it that way.  It finally all clicked as to why I feel so traumatized about not being fully on track with my career:  Because a huge part of me has become a damned man and for men, their purpose is paramount according to Lover Boy (aka David Deida).

Deida reckons that men need to be on purpose to feel free.  What they want most is freedom.  What women want most is to express their light.  But I’m kind of all fucked up and now I want both!  Sweet baby Jesus.  If I could grow my own penis I would be right as reigns.  But instead I’m left in this lovey dovey heart space where I desperately need to feel on purpose, continually terrified of joining the rat race, lest it mean I once again lose my freedom.

So what to do with all this mess?  Excellent question!  Thank fuck Lover Boy has a solution.  Apparently I have to open.  Open, open, open.  Like a 7 Eleven that doesn’t even shut for Christmas.  That open.  Like one where they don’t even need a key cos the fucker is never gonna close.  That open. To quote the home boy:

“You can open as love and live as love, even though you are not fully received by those you love.  You can open as infinity and offer your deepest truth, even though your gifts may be refused by those you want to serve.  You can live as openness even though your daily life may seem tawdry in light of your heart’s deepest shine.

“You are not here to transform the world and create love on earth.  In truth, you aren’t here.  You are openness.  Abide as openness, live as love and appear as limits.  You really have no choice.”  Blue Truth, p 40

I can safely share with you dear ones that this was like another dirty wet fish across the face for me.  He is all about simply owning it all, fully.  When fully expressed, even anger is love, when open and from the heart.  Not when it is stored as toxic waste and then used as repugnant fuel.  But all is love if fully felt in a space of heart openness.

I, like many humans I know and love are all about the shut down.  Shut down from pain.  Protect.  Reserve your energies.  Stay safe.  And then do do do things to make me feel better.  Or to try to make me feel better.  But what I notice is that when I feel most amazing and most connected is when I fully surrender into this magnificent feminine light or ecstasy.  Yes sometimes, that involves incredible hours of heart connected, sensually exploding love making.  But it can also happen when I am enraptured with birds in flight, dancing around me or in awe at the love that I see around me in the hearts of people every where.  It is often when I am out of my head and deep in my heart, feeling, being and opening to the incredible miracle of it all.  Open open open.

I had never really made the connection and have been trying to work out why my forced ‘doing’ just doesn’t really feel right.  It often feels stifled and unnatural and then I get all guilty thinking I’m just a lazy slacker.  But maybe this is my inner voice telling me to tread softly with my sweet self and to find my own way to dance in this strange thing called life.  Maybe my spirit is begging me to remember it’s sweet soft feminine essence and that push energy is as natural for me as growing two hairy ball sacks.

Despite my enlightened moments of bliss, there is this part of me that keeps thinking that there is somewhere to get and that with enough work or focus, I can create enough satisfaction to finally… breathe.  And then I think that with this breath, with this peace, I will find joy.  More joy than the joy of my everyday moments.  But there is no doing that can bring me the peace I seek.  As he says:

“Waiting for love or doing anything to be loved is as fruitless as a fish swimming in the hope of getting wet.  Already love is who you are.  Love is that which is living your life, breathing your breath, moving your body.” Blue Truth P108

In a space of doubt or closing, no doing can lead to love or peace.  In fact, I’m starting to think that maybe nothing good at all can come by living life in a safe emotional vault.

And so, I surrender my lock and keys.  I get a sledge hammer and smash the lock to pieces.  Really, what’s the point of all this safety anyway?  Where has it gotten me?  Only by crawling out into the wild woods of an open life is there anything worth living for.  As he says it is all about giving our gifts and receiving those of others.  A dance.  A magical exchange of light.  But I can only give my gifts in ways that truly serve my essence.  I feel that this is truly stepping into a new way for me.  No business plan.  No lists.  Some kind of wild flurry of synchronicity and shamanic explosive forces coming together as the sacredness of life itself.  So now, I dance in its ashes like the wild woman I am.

And I will share my gifts not because I’m tired or scared or have no other choice.  But because only by sharing my gifts can I finally open to all that I am.  Open open open.  I surrender holding back and finally open my heart, my gifts and my sensual feminine ecstacy to the world.

 

 

Day 48 – Being Love in a risky world

To quote Samuel Becket:

‘Ever tried.  Ever failed.  No matter:  Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better.’

Wow.  Now that is risk.  Now that is owning your balls like small blocks of flats.  That is truly knowing that life, if fully lived, is bursting with a cacophony of failure.  Some days it may feel like it is hailing failure … for about 90 days, smashing your car, your outdoor furniture and smashing the fuck out of you should you dare to get out there amongst it.

It is time I grew a ball and got out there amongst it.

Today Kat talked about how when she was a little girl she had wanted to win a date with a particular actor in a competition, but was so nervous about the entry that she never actually put one in.  But then she convinced herself that someone must have magically put one in for her and was still stunned when she discovered that she did not win the prize!

This has been me in life and love on too many levels to count.  I’ve definitely has some delusional ideas about the ‘right’ ‘natural’ ways to meet a partner.  That I should meet him in my every day life.  That I should not have to do anything special about it.  And when I questioned this and for the first time, joined an internet dating site and was contacted by about 20 men in two weeks, I had a complete freak out, dismissing them almost faster than I could read their profiles.  I was terrified that getting back out there, actually meant getting back out there.  This would involve  real interactions with real humans.  God help me.

So I only agreed to communicate with one of these twenty and after our first date, I created by mammoth Peruvian bug drama, thus giving me the perfect excuse for no further contact.  Convenient is one way to put this.  A slippery slidey run away magician is another way to put it.  🙂  I ran so fast I’m surprised I didn’t create new fault lines between the two of us.

Kat described my life so painfully that it gave a sad little tug to my heart.  In her words ‘Until you embrace failure, loss, and disappointment as part of a life well lived then you will most likely have a life that doesn’t really light you up or inspire you very much.’  BINGO!  This is my life.  I take few risks and have few failures but God it feels so empty.  It’s like I’ve learned to treat life like a China shop.  Things could break.  Tread carefully.  When what I want to do is put roller blades on ( NB:  I have the coordination skills of a rhino on roller blades) and to fly around the shop, touching things, breaking a few here and there and maybe having to work a few hours at the shop in my spare time to pay for the damage.  But either way, this is life.

It is only when I put the roller blades on that I discover that it is actually not just a china shop but an all purpose everything shop.  Some things are fragile but others are incredibly sturdy and lots of stuff has padding anyway.  Breaking the occasional things could just be an opportunity to become a super glue Wizard, or a glue gun Master.  New party tricky for creating even more fun.  It’s all about perspectives.

The thing about living life in fear that you will break something is that it is … desperately boring!  It’s like watching grass grow and wanting it to do something faster or more exciting that its natural upward motion, slow and steady.  But when living a full life, suddenly you see magic everywhere.  You realise that you can roller blade out of the multi purpose shop where you have torn up a storm and that you can fly past a million bits and pieces of life’s quirky miracles.  Fun is everywhere.  For me, things like singing workshops, tantra workshops, creativity or acting classes, theatre groups, fun games nights, talking with strangers.  The world is choc a block full of good humans to play with.  But I don’t even see those cos I  stay stuck, tip toeing around some crusty bullshit china shop (that is not even a fucking china shop but I am in a cute little safe delusion where I thing everything is a fucking china shop!)  BLESS!

So, as has now become a repeated mantra by Kat, beating this message into my skull subliminally with her cute etheric 10 foot sledge hammer, over this 7 week process: You can’t find magical super swoon love when youa re tip toeing around a china shop like a dark ninja (my words, not hers! :)).  You have to drag your sorry arse out of the shop and look around at life.  And join it.  For real.  Not just pretend to join it (I am good at this!).  You have to risk looking like a dickhead in order to risk failing and opening up to the true juice that life has to offer.  You have to risk noticing that life is messy and people can be … odd… and that is ok!  That is part of the juicy bit of life.  We are all a bit odd and quirky, but still , we have to grow a ball and get out there and frolick amongst one another!

I love love and yep… looks like there is no other way around this but to learn to roller blade like a rhino through this next chapter of my sweet life.  Wish me luck!  Tomorrow is our last day with Kitty Kat so let’s make it a biggie!!!!!

 

 

Day 46 – You can’t forgive in a pool of rage! Who knew?

Ok, so this is not rocket science.  Especially where I live where there are more new agers tuning up their chakras than rainbow frocks  (and there are shit loads of those puppies too),  you start feeling cheap and dirty if you actually feel something that smells curiously like ANGER!  (cap lock for emphasis cos it feels like a big scary monster!)

Today was about forgiveness but I think that this is the first time I’ve ever read to not forgive someone ad infinitum.  Kat suggests that you ensure that new appropriate boundaries be set so that you are safe and honored.  Then and only then, is there room for healthy forgiveness.

The idea is that anger is a great teacher in boundaries.  Anger is telling us with a big fat stomping right foot ‘NO!  I don’t like that!  I don’t want that!’  Anger is often a top friend that we dismiss as being unholy cos of her wild seemingly uncontrollable intensity.  So we pick her up and throw her down some stairs into the dungeon and get her to stay there until she has cooled down and breathed it off.  Poor little anger was just trying, at all costs, to ensure that we grew a ball and some self love.  Anger is our ultimate guardian but sometimes she comes across as a cheap bouncer, covered in tats, kicking a metho habit and just doesn’t look good for us and certainly doesn;t match our new designer jeans  (as if I even know what designer jeans look like, but you get my drift :)).

The thing is,  anger will remain (and so she damned well should, feisty metho clad bouncer of glory that she is!) until we use her wild force to set new boundaries for our safety and respect.  Only then will the anger subside, opening a new soft space where forgiveness becomes possible.  Otherwise, forgiveness is just an exercise to inflate the ego but with no real lasting results.

If no boundaries have been set, then the cycles will keep playing out with the same or new players and anger will simply keep smashing her head on the dungeon door for eons until finally, she is heard.

I give my self a C for boundary setting.  I can be surprisingly amazing with some people.  But as soon as it comes to people I really really love like dearest friends, then I get wildly murky.  Then I start getting stuck in the business of whether I will be seen as a bad person for setting them.  So instead, I don’t set them, I get shitty and resentful and I risk creating distance and inauthenticity in deeply loving, honest connections.  No one is to blame but me becausse I’m scared I won’t be loved and accepted if I am not the Dalai Lama on roids, ever loving and ever giving, non stop, around the clock.

I need to take my new little metho skulling feisty bouncer’s hand and sit with her.  Have a listen to what she has to say.  Because I have a feeling that she is not going anywhere until she gets heard and her new self respect policies get actioned.  Otherwise I may just wake up to find one of her bill boards up my arse.  Ouch.

 

Day 45 – Giving a F*@! about other humans!

Theory and practice.  In theory I am quite lovely.  I have a big fun heart and when with a group of people I can truly light up a room, if I choose to.  I could get a pack of suicidal teenagers to spill their guts and then belly laugh their way through heart warming stories about who they’ve pashed and what inspires them.

The problem is I don’t.  I don’t know why but somewhere, somehow I kind of stopped trying in life.  Full stop.  I kind of gave up the whole wild unpredictable ride and have been flat out trying not to care, ever since.  I’ve pretended I don’t give a fuck about anyone but myself and sometimes I’m astoundingly convinced.  But it leaves me feeling empty, like I just had a big plate of cheap no frills pasta.  No nutrients and full of something that is foreign and my body doesn’t know quite what to do with.

I think because I spent so many years in overwhelming adrenaline cascading fear, I kind of felt that all I could do was deal with myself.  I thought that if I could just get myself happy, then I could get on with the business of giving a fuck about any one else.  But this is about as fulfilling as porn when really what someone is crying out for is love.  Connection.  Something to make your heart burst and scream and let go and trust and pray and know that wow life is fucking amazing after all.   The fairy Godmother was not a psychotic narcissistic bitch out to get you.  She was right.  You are the fairy tale and life is there to give you all its incredible magic if you can only find the courage to … connect.

The challenge for me is my business admin approach to life.  Lists.  Dot points.  Cross things out and move onto the next task, human or event.  I wanted to get enough career fulfillment to then feel satisfied to join life, for real.  But, its a waiting game that could go on for ever.  I’m living on the side lines at the moment,  I occasionally run in and take over for a few minutes whilst one of the players has a breather.  I joined a theatre company and let my spirit come alive for two hours a week between 8 and 10pm on Thursday nights.  I occasionally let myself go to shows that make my soul sing:  But hopefully not too much cos then I end up all jaded that my life is not quite that vibrant or magnificent looking.

I can feel this shiny sparkly loving soul inside me that is quite wild.  A veritable torrent of love.  And lots of those in my life have felt it and are quite captivated by it.  But poor pups had better not be too attached cos it is gone just as quick as it appeared.  They are left with a tease and shadow of love and I am left empty wondering where all the love went.

This thing is love is not a game.  It is a way of being, a life style, a choice.  I have chosen a half life where I give very little of my self to friends, family, my community or the world at large.  Don’t expect too much of me and I won’t expect too much of you.  It is a stingy way to live, but such has been my self induced suffering and I have chosen it as the only way forward.  Focus on yourself now and plough forward like a death eater, keen to steal any scrap of joy in order to simply go on, go on, go on.

It is overwhelming to be so ruthless with my life right now.  So honest.  So desperately honest in the hope that this honesty will allow me to pick up my courage stone and finally rub it and let my genie appear.  The genie that has been waitng all my life:  The one who tells me that love is not a damned barter system and that if I want life to look more beautiful then I should become a torrent of beauty and fill the world with my flowers everywhere.  Love is not an excel spread sheet.  It can not be organised or ticked off one column at a time.  It is messy and only by getting all crazy and disorganzied and spread across it like a feral concoction of peanut butter, nutella and pickled tomato chutney can there ever be any hope of growing.  Love can’t grow in a vice.

Today has been a monster awareness day of admitting that I give very little emotionally or physically to anyone.  Even how I give to friends has become quite limited and neat.  It is time for me to start dancing naked in the pie chart of my life: To jump from segment to segment like a wild toddler after a gallon of red cordial.  It is time to stop waiting for the world to make me feel better.  It is time to grow up and stop expecting others to take care of my needs.  It is time to seize every single second as an opportunity to give and be love on this planet.  How can I honestly expect life to be generous to me when I am so insular?  Planet earth:  Welcome.  I’m stepping aboard.

 

Day 37 Happy Happy Joy Joy!

I spent about 4 months travelling central America with a beautiful friend and we had a little saying what we would spit out randomly when things were awesome “This makes me so happy!!!!!”  It was our catch phrase:  Eating coconuts, a good clean room, a great swim on theCaribbean, laying in a hammock on a balmy night.  They all made us wildly happy.  But I must admit I was just as often upset or disappointed when things appeared not to go my way:  Not finding my dream shaman/ medicine woman to shake my soul into profound peace and take me up as her apprentice into a new life in some barefoot loin cloth tribe, always looking for ‘something’, feeling unloved by my long distance boyfriend at the time, feeling lost and wondering what the Hell I was actually doing wandering around the globe in search of peace.

I was a walking cliché of trying to find happiness within me but I was getting straight Ds in this.  I was just scraping through and was often frustrated with myself, life and every millimeter of those around me.  I was full of judgment and often didn’t understand how people could be as happy as they appeared living in apparent squalor.  And, inside I felt profoundly lost.

Today was about looking at my life and simply choosing to accept it as it is without feeling that I need to change any thing to make me happy.  Wow.  The timing of this is quite profound.  Considering that I am currently bunking up with a friend whilst looking for a home this is actually a bit surreal.  I may end up as the Dalai Lama’s assistant if I can get through this puppy and genuinely feel happy with my lot, right now.  Not when I find my new home or get a part time job to support paying more rent for the solo home that I now want (I would rather chew my own limb off than share with more random flat mates).  Just happy, accepting my lot right now.

Now I get that this does not mean that I stop looking at creating a new home or doing things I want.  It just means that I can’t put off my happiness until I do.  I have a habit of shelving happiness like a Bronte novel.  Keeping it for later.  At some convenient point when I can pull it out and use it perfectly.  But happiness is messy.  And I do know this.  Some of the most joyous times I’ve ever had in my life have been completely random and very messy.  No one is actually pressuring me to make my life perfect in order to be happy except me.  I am the only one doing this.

Today is about simply being grateful for everything and completely accepting.  No wishing stuff away.  Be ok with being sick.  Be ok with no solo home.  Today is about choosing happiness.  Not forcing it or pretending I am.  It is a choice as simple as what cereal to eat.  This idea that happiness is always mine for the taking for the sheer privilege of being alive is one I often forget.  But today, as I look for my home, I will do all I can to be ok and happy with my home right now: with friends I love, honoring the support and kindness of people who love and accept me for who I am.  Today I can choose to be happy for allowing this experience into my life to show me and remind me that I am loved and that I too make a difference.

 

Day 36 – Being generous with your listening heart

Today is on being generous.  Not pretend generosity which is really there to serve you by making you feel tops about yourself.  This is not about giving so that you feel like Buddha and Mother Theresa’s love child (I know that is so many levels of wrong!).  This is not giving so that you  feel like kindness in a jar or you think you will be seen as kindness in a jar.

This is about being generous enough to listen with a full heart when someone speaks.  It is about being brave and having the courage to listen fully when people share.  No judging or pre-deciding if they are right or wrong.  This is being aware and of trusting that the world is bigger than your view or opinion of it.

I had to write a list of people I thought were wrong about something and was shocked to discover that I think that most people are wrong.  I still love them but I actually am judging them the whole time, thinking that they are wrong.  I see them as stuck, scared, insecure, weak, mean.  The torrent of judgement adjectives could knock me over like a tsunami.  The weird thing is that we are pretty sneaky as humans.  Cos, I think that I would certainly come across as being non judgmental.  I am a good listener who gives attentive helpful feedback gently nurturing and assisiting friends and family to move through their ‘stuff’ and out the other side.

But all the while I am judging them as wrong.  At some level.

Big sigh.

I am constantly shocked by Kat’s ability to help me look deeper into my heart and to see my truth.  The not always pretty truth.  She reminded me not just that love is a two way street.  I get that.  But that you need to be generous with your heart, your empathy and your ability to completely surrender your need to be right or prove anything.  Love is stepping off the bandwagon, putting down the batton and flag.  Love has a humility within its strong arms that I sometimes forget.  I’m so desperately busy building up appropriate boundaries taht I forget that they are only required when you are actually actively participating in the game of love and filling your heart with risk and opening it up to being alive.  A life full of tireless perfect boundaries with no risk within it and no raw, wild, vulnerable, generous, giving heart is pretty lame.  And pretty lonely.

And yesterday, what I felt creeping back in was loneliness.  But this may just be because all the focus has been on me.  Making sure I honor myself.  Making sure I’m being treated right.  But if all my focus is on that, there is nothing worth living for.  It is only in the act of being really open and messy with my heart that I come alive.  Otherwise, I may a well take the blue pill (or whatever color the shitty one was that keeps you frozen) and simply spend a life watching reruns of really bad sitcoms.

Real life is in fact a far more engaging way to live but I’ve been kind of absent from that.  So for today I am going to do my best to observe the judgmental haze that I live in.  I’m going to do my best to be more generous in my listening.  And the lesson is as much for me as it is for how I perceive all life, that everything and everyone are actually perfect, right now, as they are.

 

Day 35 – Slinking away from solitude

What is your relationship like with ‘alone time’?  Do you run from it like you are on fire?  Or do you embrace that puppy into your arms like a latin lover with abs you can file your nails on?

I have just left my home and am spending time at my friends’s whilst looking for my new nest.  So, my routine is up to shit.  I am learning adaptability and sourcing my Gold and spirit inside me (as opposed to getting it from routines, things, places or events).  So, I’m back to my morning writing ritual and today, as insturcted, I put my book down and just sat with myself, in silence.  Now, I have to admit that this is something that I find pretty easy to do when in a good space.  And particularly easy and joyful when surrounded by the magic of nature.  Right now, I’m sitting on the patio listening to a wild multitude of birds going crazy with their morning songs.  I can hear the ocean lightly crashing behind them like a velvet backdrop.  The sky is blue.  The trees as swaying lightly.  The morning air is crisp in this fresh autumn day.

To me, this is pure peace.  This is one of the things that brings me the greatest joy in the world.  Simply sitting and being with this magnificent explosion of magical sound and being.  Somehow, there is something amongst this symphony of life that my spirit finds great solace in.  Somewhere in this space I slow down and join this natural rhythm.  When I breathe with this rhythm, I too become natural once more.  My brain slows down.  My heart is filled with the joy of the birds as they scurry from branch to branch.  And I can not wipe the gentle smile from my face.  My body becomes a temple of bliss.

Put me alone in a dark, cold room and it could be a very different story.  If I’m already in a good space, I can probably maintain that.  I can hold my spirit and let it spread out to fill every inch of the room.  But if my heart is in pain, then the lack of nature reminds me how far I am from everything sacred and I want to contract further still.  I can’t find the peace I’m looking for inside myself and it sure as Hell isn’t visible outside, so I try to crawl into a dark little safe hole where nothing more can hurt me.

Now, this is an almost functional way to behave where I live in Byron Bay, idylic tropical islandish land of veritable paradise on a daily basis.  There are almost as many blue skies here as alternate healing modalities  (shit loads!) and life is basically smiley and sunny.  But I want to be able to feel good in an damned Hell hole.  I no longer want to fera my darkness, shadow or pain.

Today, I felt my usual blissy state as I tuned into the day.  But I also has this kind of bunny rabbit feeling.  A little nose twitching, curious, slightly cautious fluffy thing poking out from behind a rock.  This is me at the moment.  I am doing my best to actually use this forced change of events in my life to grow rather than contract.  I feel like I’m checking out life with new eyes and deciding anew, what I want from it.

I feel like I am looking right into the sun, suddenly sure that it will not blind me, but that it actually holds incredible power fr me if I have the courage to take it.  I feel like this really could be the last time I live alone prior to connecting with a long term partner and sharing a life together.  So I think that it would truly honor me to find a space that is a haven for my soul.  A sunny magical cottage with a bath that I can use as a retreat for my ever healing and flourishing soul.

I am 5 weeks into this 7 week process and I feel as though I don’t even know who I am any more.  So many parts of me have beens tripped away.  So much has changed inside and out.  And all this morning solitude that I have been engaging in is starting to make me want to join life in a new way, with a rich open heart full of sweet expectation of what life brings.  Childlike wonder and a dancing heart.

Tomorrow I start week 6 – A life worth living and the quote is ‘You can not have a happy ending to a miserable journey’.  Love it.  Today I will simply be with what is.  I’ll have a bath.  I’ll breathe.  And I’ll spend time romancing my sweet soul back into peace in my soft, soft heart.

 

Day 29.5 Committed!

As Freddy said in Nightamre on elm street…. ‘I’m baaaa- ack!’  Welcome homeys!

Well, I have discovered that in a week, apparently you can completely change your head space and your life.  So, I will not go on about my tragic bug dramas (because I jsut cant give these puppies any more energy!!!) but  will say that they are pretty close to over.  Yipee!  So, I am back to my life, taking that big sexy bull by the horns!

Today was on Commitments.  Now, living in Byron Bay, Hippie capital of Australia, let’s just say that I’m about as comfortable with commitments as being stapled to furniture for relaxation.  I go into a kind of trauma knowing that I have to commit to anything, lest it should mess with some ‘Grander’ plan for me.  (Yawn!!!)  Really, what I think I have been, is fearful of plugging into life in a permanent way.  Too scared to go the full Kahuna burger and just settling for the mini trial version.  This kind of sucks cos unless you really wrap your lips around the Fullness of the kahuna burger of life, then there is kind of no point living at all.  It’s like tip toeing around life, whispering.

In my life, I want to stomp and grunt like a trucker who has just downed 2 bottles of vodka.  A fearless, sweaty beast of a being not afraid of taking up room (but maybe a little less sweaty) :).

So, I am committing to being my full self in love and joy and fulfillment to experience the miracle of connection with everyone and everything in every moment.  I also commit to experiencing a true soul loving relationship.

I just feel so grateful to be back in life, back out in the world, actively a part of it again.  I am as excited as a kid who just woke up to realise that his whole room is covered in fairy floss and wants to be eaten as a breakfast snack.  I am really just now starting to get the power of my mind to create wild distractions to take me away from my life.

Tomorrow – Kat is putting up a case for selfishness.  Go you good thing!

 

 

Day 28 – Eeny meenie mynie mo! Making top choices!

Wow 4 weeks down, 3 to go.  I peeked into next week and it looks like Freud is coming back for an unscheduled visit.  SOB! 🙂

But today was about choices, past present and future.  I could mega relate to Kat when she said that she was overwhelmed by the constant choices available to us in life.  It is something that I often speak of with friends.  The wild overwhelming nature of unlimited choice in which we can live our lives.  Sometimes it kind of puts me in a spin to know that the second that I choose it, I could infact change every single aspect of my life.  Completely.  Termorarily or permanently.  Where I live, where I work, who I hang with, what I look or dress like, what I eat, what I do for fun.  It’s mind boggling.

So, as Kat pointed out, good choices become crucial when looking for a soul mate.    I had to look at choices that I’ve made that I’m both proud of and … not so proud of and how I’ve learned from them.  I realized that sometimes I make frenzied choices from my head, generally leading to stress or uncool stuff.  But when I stop, breathe, stay calm and make choices from my place of peace, any result is more bearable.  Because I have mini Buddhad myself up and can kind of cope with the lot.

The good news I discovered is that I don’t have a lot of regret in my life.  Overall, I’m pretty happy with how I’ve chosen to live and the new peace that is starting to form within me.  One of the main things I’v learned from my choices, gallivanting across the globe many times in search of  ‘meaning’, is that everyday simple life is beautiful, just beautiful.  Holding hands with a friend, drinking tea, laughing and watching awesome rom coms.  Giggling with children.  Singing.  Dancing.  Listening to birds and watching trees rustle in the wind.  Life, quite simply is very beautiful.  It is always my choice to see it or not.

We had a synopsis today about the whole week.  I am just so grateful to be doing this process.  It truly is changing me from the inside out.  Scrubbing me up and making my heart all shiny and fresh.  My vision of love, purpose, intention, passions, guidance, integrity and choices.  What a week.  I’m starting to feel that I can overcome anything.  What color cape shall I choose? 😉

 

 

Day 27 – The Big scary voice within. My epiphany!

Well Kitty Kat is back with her usual tear provoking antics.  I would like to say that  when I read her writings on prayer and meditation this morning, unstoppable tears just poured down my face.  5 pages of major crying with new tear triggers occurring on every page.

Kat wrote about her relationship with God, how she felt completely abandoned during tough times in her life and basically dumped him (like a high school beau).  She felt that she had totally offered herself up, heart and soul to God, and that instead of being used in a great way that she was simply ignored and tortured.

I have definitely had this type of experience where I have given up on God.  Where I felt so lost and abandoned by life that it was hard to believe that I was not being ‘punished’ in some way.  And now, 4 weeks into the saga of my biting creatures, I have really been feeling that I am being ‘punished’ for something or taught some major awful lesson.  That God is making me suffer or getting me back for not coming good on my agreement with him to be a brave warrior princess and share my musical gifts with the world.

I realized that I’ve started bargaining with him, begging for help from this agony in exchange for a promise to fulfill my original promise of releasing music.  I’ve started begging and promising that if he makes the creatures go away, then (and only then) will I do what I promised and come good on my deal.  Only then will I start up my business as  a healer and workshop facilitator and start performing again.

And, what I’m seeing now is that maybe the greatest lesson within this all is that  I have to stop waiting for perfect conditions to start living my life.  I have to find a way to be grateful now and to live accordingly.  Now.  Damn it.

I had to do a little meditation on my theme for love (courage) and after doing it, I felt clearer on the lessons of my bug trauma.  Here’s my Oprah style AHA!:

1. I can overcome anything.  I am strong.  With courage and persistence, I will succeed.

2.Peace is available in ANY circumstance.

3.I can keep going with my goals, despite all obstacles.  I don’t have to let things stop me.

4.I am so so grateful for the simplicity and beauty of an everyday life.

5. I must appreciate the beauty and simplicity of my life NOW, even with my current obstacle.

I think this is what is commonly called an epiphany.  I am epiphonying all over myself today and am feeling that the only way through this is to take consistent focused action, both on the issue itself as well as with my own life.  I still need to honor my body and state of mind and stay in a state of peace and grace amongst it all. (NOT EASY!!!!) 😉

But, I feel so much calmer and prepared to take on more cleaning today and feel that I will do it in a much more peaceful and balanced state.

Tomorrow – making wise choices.  Really, can I get any wiser than this? 🙂