Day 47 – Gratitude: The Freeway to light your life up with joy!

Howdy peeps!

I’m gonna read straight form the horse’s mouth today cos the following paragraph from Kat made me cry cute little tears of joy:

‘What I learned about gratitude is this.  When we give thanks for everything in our lives, specifically and exactly for the way they are, regardless of our preference for them to be different, our lives become lit up with joy.  And when we are lit up with joy, we become an absolute magnet for the blessings of life.’

I’m not exactly sure why this made me cry.  I don’t know if I’m feeling sad and jaded that this process is about to be over (only two more days to go :(), or whether it was realizing that life is truly such a damned tasty finger licking delight that naturally, our birthright is to be completely and overwhelmingly lit up with joy.  I want to be so lit up, that I make your local award winning Christmas light of the year Street look like a sad 3 hour no frills tea light tragedy.  I want my joy and my light to fill the world and to live life in this glorious mysterious way.

It is almost surreal to me how quickly we can choose our lives to be different, almost instantaneously.  We can choose to stay in wounded jadedness ( I have a doctorate in this!) or in head fucking brain strain freak out attack over everything and anything.  These puppies are like coats.  You can pop them on.  Pop them off.  You can pop on two coats at once if you are feeling game.  Anxiety and depression are a tempting double coat option.  And you can leave them on for as long as you like.  But the fuckers will suffocate you.  Particularly in the caribbean.

Or you can pop on the gratitude and acceptance coat.  This puppy is so magical it belongs in Harry Potter.  You pop it on and your feet start dancing to the new rhythm of your life and this life is juicier than a big fat tom cat with a bad arsed rat hanging out of its mouth.  This life is full, no matter what, and you become a super sleuth detective in snooping out more and more joy and fun.  You don’t just look for happiness and goodness you let them become you and before you know it, there is no separation.

I have had insane amounts of challenges lately.  I had some weird arsed Peruvian invisible bug chew its way into my life, freaking the absolute shit out of me and making me put every aspect of my life on hold.  But it was only when I decided to simply choose life as it was, full of weird Peruvian chewing fuckers, that they slowly seemed to kind of magically evaporate.  I can not say that I fully understand this.  Nor do I want to.  Some things are best left not understood and to simply bathe in the glow of the trail of light they left behind.  I’m still bathing.  I’m still soaking in the unbelievableness that simply making a decision could be enough to start to shift everything.

During this time, I had to pack up my life, put it in storage and stay with friends whilst looking for a new home.  It would be way easy to say that I was in crisis and to stop this daily ritual and process.  Way easy to say that once again, my life should go on hold and that I should wait till my life looked more perfect before being so indulgent as to spend a few hours a day, every day, on my self growth and love.  But somehow, as I kept going, more and more, I am starting to see life for the everyday magnificent thing that it is.  It is raw, wild and perfect, no matter what.

Today the couple I’m living with had a fight, in the kitchen below me.   A bit of screaming.  A bit of anger.  A bit of stomping.  Normally, this would put me into some kind of spin.  But today, I wasn’t even phased.  I just felt ok that this was a couple doing normal communication explosions to get closer to the truth.  Sometimes the path to truth is murky and filled with a few explosions.  And that’s ok.  Cos love is a bit of a wild path and we don’t always feel like communication Buddhas vibing off love, light and understanding.  Sometimes we are like wild dogs gnawing our own limbs off, desperate to be right.  And then just as easily we realize that all we want is to see and be seen, to love and be loved.  And it is all beautiful and perfect in its seeming imperfection.

I got so engrossed in my ‘5 pages of gratitude’ exercise that i accidentally did 6.  It was actually amazing to keep finding more and more and more and more to be grateful for.  There literally is a never ending torrent of good shit coming our of this top little nook called earth.  And I am starting to let it fill every inch of me like air.  It is delicious and tastes about as divine as the sweet syrupy dessert I’m gonna make for the dinner party tonight.

I feel like all the pieces of this 49 day process are starting to float around me now like bees.  Lovingly pollinating me bit by bit.  Landing on the different blossoms inside me and giving them life.  And my honey is becoming sweet and rich and rare and even I am starting to drink it in.

 

Day 46 – You can’t forgive in a pool of rage! Who knew?

Ok, so this is not rocket science.  Especially where I live where there are more new agers tuning up their chakras than rainbow frocks  (and there are shit loads of those puppies too),  you start feeling cheap and dirty if you actually feel something that smells curiously like ANGER!  (cap lock for emphasis cos it feels like a big scary monster!)

Today was about forgiveness but I think that this is the first time I’ve ever read to not forgive someone ad infinitum.  Kat suggests that you ensure that new appropriate boundaries be set so that you are safe and honored.  Then and only then, is there room for healthy forgiveness.

The idea is that anger is a great teacher in boundaries.  Anger is telling us with a big fat stomping right foot ‘NO!  I don’t like that!  I don’t want that!’  Anger is often a top friend that we dismiss as being unholy cos of her wild seemingly uncontrollable intensity.  So we pick her up and throw her down some stairs into the dungeon and get her to stay there until she has cooled down and breathed it off.  Poor little anger was just trying, at all costs, to ensure that we grew a ball and some self love.  Anger is our ultimate guardian but sometimes she comes across as a cheap bouncer, covered in tats, kicking a metho habit and just doesn’t look good for us and certainly doesn;t match our new designer jeans  (as if I even know what designer jeans look like, but you get my drift :)).

The thing is,  anger will remain (and so she damned well should, feisty metho clad bouncer of glory that she is!) until we use her wild force to set new boundaries for our safety and respect.  Only then will the anger subside, opening a new soft space where forgiveness becomes possible.  Otherwise, forgiveness is just an exercise to inflate the ego but with no real lasting results.

If no boundaries have been set, then the cycles will keep playing out with the same or new players and anger will simply keep smashing her head on the dungeon door for eons until finally, she is heard.

I give my self a C for boundary setting.  I can be surprisingly amazing with some people.  But as soon as it comes to people I really really love like dearest friends, then I get wildly murky.  Then I start getting stuck in the business of whether I will be seen as a bad person for setting them.  So instead, I don’t set them, I get shitty and resentful and I risk creating distance and inauthenticity in deeply loving, honest connections.  No one is to blame but me becausse I’m scared I won’t be loved and accepted if I am not the Dalai Lama on roids, ever loving and ever giving, non stop, around the clock.

I need to take my new little metho skulling feisty bouncer’s hand and sit with her.  Have a listen to what she has to say.  Because I have a feeling that she is not going anywhere until she gets heard and her new self respect policies get actioned.  Otherwise I may just wake up to find one of her bill boards up my arse.  Ouch.

 

Day 45 – Giving a F*@! about other humans!

Theory and practice.  In theory I am quite lovely.  I have a big fun heart and when with a group of people I can truly light up a room, if I choose to.  I could get a pack of suicidal teenagers to spill their guts and then belly laugh their way through heart warming stories about who they’ve pashed and what inspires them.

The problem is I don’t.  I don’t know why but somewhere, somehow I kind of stopped trying in life.  Full stop.  I kind of gave up the whole wild unpredictable ride and have been flat out trying not to care, ever since.  I’ve pretended I don’t give a fuck about anyone but myself and sometimes I’m astoundingly convinced.  But it leaves me feeling empty, like I just had a big plate of cheap no frills pasta.  No nutrients and full of something that is foreign and my body doesn’t know quite what to do with.

I think because I spent so many years in overwhelming adrenaline cascading fear, I kind of felt that all I could do was deal with myself.  I thought that if I could just get myself happy, then I could get on with the business of giving a fuck about any one else.  But this is about as fulfilling as porn when really what someone is crying out for is love.  Connection.  Something to make your heart burst and scream and let go and trust and pray and know that wow life is fucking amazing after all.   The fairy Godmother was not a psychotic narcissistic bitch out to get you.  She was right.  You are the fairy tale and life is there to give you all its incredible magic if you can only find the courage to … connect.

The challenge for me is my business admin approach to life.  Lists.  Dot points.  Cross things out and move onto the next task, human or event.  I wanted to get enough career fulfillment to then feel satisfied to join life, for real.  But, its a waiting game that could go on for ever.  I’m living on the side lines at the moment,  I occasionally run in and take over for a few minutes whilst one of the players has a breather.  I joined a theatre company and let my spirit come alive for two hours a week between 8 and 10pm on Thursday nights.  I occasionally let myself go to shows that make my soul sing:  But hopefully not too much cos then I end up all jaded that my life is not quite that vibrant or magnificent looking.

I can feel this shiny sparkly loving soul inside me that is quite wild.  A veritable torrent of love.  And lots of those in my life have felt it and are quite captivated by it.  But poor pups had better not be too attached cos it is gone just as quick as it appeared.  They are left with a tease and shadow of love and I am left empty wondering where all the love went.

This thing is love is not a game.  It is a way of being, a life style, a choice.  I have chosen a half life where I give very little of my self to friends, family, my community or the world at large.  Don’t expect too much of me and I won’t expect too much of you.  It is a stingy way to live, but such has been my self induced suffering and I have chosen it as the only way forward.  Focus on yourself now and plough forward like a death eater, keen to steal any scrap of joy in order to simply go on, go on, go on.

It is overwhelming to be so ruthless with my life right now.  So honest.  So desperately honest in the hope that this honesty will allow me to pick up my courage stone and finally rub it and let my genie appear.  The genie that has been waitng all my life:  The one who tells me that love is not a damned barter system and that if I want life to look more beautiful then I should become a torrent of beauty and fill the world with my flowers everywhere.  Love is not an excel spread sheet.  It can not be organised or ticked off one column at a time.  It is messy and only by getting all crazy and disorganzied and spread across it like a feral concoction of peanut butter, nutella and pickled tomato chutney can there ever be any hope of growing.  Love can’t grow in a vice.

Today has been a monster awareness day of admitting that I give very little emotionally or physically to anyone.  Even how I give to friends has become quite limited and neat.  It is time for me to start dancing naked in the pie chart of my life: To jump from segment to segment like a wild toddler after a gallon of red cordial.  It is time to stop waiting for the world to make me feel better.  It is time to grow up and stop expecting others to take care of my needs.  It is time to seize every single second as an opportunity to give and be love on this planet.  How can I honestly expect life to be generous to me when I am so insular?  Planet earth:  Welcome.  I’m stepping aboard.

 

Day 40 – Becoming a super self detective

In the movie ‘Just like Heaven’ with Reece Witherspoon, there is a super chillaxed dood working in the new age book store who tells a customer dealing with a persistent ghost ‘you are asking the wrong questions’.  It finally clicks to him to ask ‘why can I see her when no one else can?’ and the dood tells him, ‘Now, that is the right question?’

We are a wildly questioning pack, us earthlings.  We query everything.  But that doesn’t mean that it always helps us.  Sometimes, as Kat pointed out today, we ask questions to put us into further shame and trauma.  Today is about asking questions that help us move, shift and grow out of our slimy little mess.  Questions to get us unstuck.

So, I looked at key aspects of my life where I’ve had recurring stuckness or problems or whatever label we wanna give these pups.  Mine were:

1.Being single

2.Fear of taking risks and inaction in career

3.Money drama

4.Moving house drama

5.Committment / routine responsibility dramas with time or day jobs

What I found, when I started asking the right questions, were themes as thick and fat as the big fat sack I’ve been trying to hide them all in.

Basically, I’m a bit of chicken.  I’m fearful of taking risks with my heart and with my creative passions.  I’m not into pain and I tend to link these areas of my life with shit loads of pain.  By staying single I stay wildly safe and get to be in control and out of pain’s cheeky grip.  By staying frozen in my career I get to avoid further criticism and stay stuck in a nice safe victimy ‘life is too hard for me’ tantrum.  I get to prove that life is hard and I get to stay a child, waiting to be saved, taking no responsibility for my life.

The money drama is awesomely convenient cos it means that I don’t have the funds to move forward in my career.  These puppies are like a damned rubix cube, they are so interconnected!  You can’t press an album and do a web site with zero cash.  So, once again, I get to stay a child, angry at how hard and unfair it all is.  And I get to play the rebel trying to prove how cool I am by not simply fitting into the ‘system’ which I paint with a big black dirty soul destroying brush.

This works well with my alergy to routine or feeling imprisoned in a day job cos I create a great situation where I feel I can’t move forward cos of lack of funds but then create this kind of bullshit fake pride ego thing where I am too cool to simply sell my soul and join the system like all the other clones.  It reeks of judgement and leaves me in an absolute lose lose tug of war where any decision puts me into despair.  If I take a day job I feel guilty and ashamed that I sold out.  I fear that my soul will die there and then I use that as a reason to completly stop all creative endeavors.  But if I don’t do it, I allow my lack of funds to put me in quick sand, on hold from life, since I can barely do any activities and then feel like a complete failure for not moving forward in any way.  I make sure that I lose no matter what so that I keep feeling like crap cos some how that is kind of comfortable.  Growth is a scary place.  It means joining life, taking risks to be seen and being completely vulnerable with every breath.

My moving dramas are just a nice juicy cherry on my ‘fear of life’ cake.  Just when things start to look like maybe I’m getting into a joyful rhythm and starting to appreciate the little things and remember that life is actually peaceful and joyous, I do all I can to yank my arse out.  I like to create big juicy moving dramas where I either have to settle for a home I don’t like, thereby proving that life is hard and I was right all along, or I have to spend a few weeks at a friend’s place between the move, feeling like a failure and testing their love and acceptance of me.  It is all wildly boring.  But until I did these questions right now, I did not see it as ludicrously clearly as I am seeing it right now.

What these questions are showing me is that when I have the courage to have the right inquiry, things look surprisingly simply.  All the glitter and razzle dazzle fades away and I am just left with me, my bits of fear and a new path where only risk and courage belong.  This is the space I am now walking into.

Today I have to walk around looking at things saying: ‘I do not know the nature of this’.  This is either gonna be wildly cool or do my head in.  Tomorrow is listening with an open heart.  My poor little heart, struggling as it is to stay firmly shut, is cracking open like a tiny egg in a sweet new spring day nest.

 

Day 31! Gimme gimme gimme!

Today is on (as Kitty Kat calls it) ‘The art of receiving’.  For me this is less like art and more like a fit of frenzied dodging as though running from 8000 salivating mountain lions who haven’t eaten for three weeks.  I (mini Buddha that I am becoming) recently had a receiving epiphany that basically, I ‘can’t receive squat’!  Full stop. It is like some one pulled the veil and suddenly I can see what I do when receiving a compliment, where I had never been able to see it before.

And the scene goes a little something like this:

Random human:  “Wow you truly have an amazing voice.”

Me: “We are all amazing and can all sing”.

Summary: What a damned toss.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s a toss that we can all sing.  Deep down, I know we all rock, but I do this with everything!  It’s like a part of me can’t handle even for one second to be told that I’m great.  It’s like I think it is going to kill me and so I simply pull out the badmitton move and dodge the compliment away like a grenade.

Mental note: Compliments are not bengal tigers out to chew my limbs off and devour my soul.  Compliments happen because people want to be nice to me.  Who knew?! 🙂

So, lately, I’ve been observing myself.  This ‘universal love bullshit move’ is still my reflex action but I am now pausing, breathing the compliment in, feeling it’s truth and saying ‘Thank you”.  This makes Ben Hur look like a flea compared to this potential impact on my life.

And, it’s weird but this week (post bug revelatory life appreciation), I woke up one day and saw my beauty in a way I never have before.  A perfect human with a perfect body.  In 38 years of living I had never felt this.  And, I feel, a a result, seriously weird shit is happening in my life:

Yesterday, I was watching the sun set by the beach when a guy asked if he could sit down.  Now, I will say that he was pretty wasted and of questionable sanity.  But, I begrudgingly said yes to not be a cold cow.  Well, little did I know that this dood was some kind of angel messenger sent to remind me of my goodness.  He did the name exchange protocol and then simply asked as though it was the most normal thing in the world:

“Do you know what a magnificent creature you are?”

I was so gobsmacked, the poor fucker had to repeat it.

“Do you know what a magnificent creature you are?”

I asked him why and he almost laughed out loud saying “Now don’t give me that! Do you know?!!!”

I paused and with a deep slightly unsteady breathe I replied: “Yes.  Yes I do”.

Now, for you nay believers, I would like to swear on my new body that I love, that this is true and not invented to induce exquisite juicy blogging feedback!  Something is me is shifting at such a level that random humans are literally dropping out of the woodwork and asking me if I know my own greatness.  Also, this week I had a random guy from my acting class flirt with me (this is sooo not normal) and some dood at a dance grabbed me randomly and gave me a little enchanted spin.  It’s like my realising that it’s ok to receive is quite literally changing how the whole world treats me.  Now this is seriously trippy shit!

Today (after I did a li’l practice meditation) I have to walk around repeating ‘I receive love from everyone I meet’ and ‘I give love to everyone I meet’.  It’s not rocket science.  It’s balance!  I’m gonna try this puppy on for size like new fluffy Betty Boo slippers.

Tomorrow is on body acceptance and self esteem.  I feel like I got this bad boy licked! 🙂

 

Day 30 – Saying No! Ouch.

Hola my cute little blog bunnies!

Today’s lesson could not be more apt for me in my life right now:   Healthy selfishness.  You know…  saying ‘No’ when we need to.  All together now – Deep breath.

This (like for most earthlings :)) is like trying to do zumba on a tightrope.  Tricky.  You see, I actually have pretty good boundaries over all.  I’m all about the gut instinct (fyi, since the age of 21, my gut is called Jessie) and making decisions.  I’ve lived like this for years.  Where things get a little slippery however, is when someone I really love asks me to do something or wants my company or attention and I know (or would bet my favorite fluffy unicorn – Alfred) they’ll be upset if I don’t give it.  That’s where the old boundaries come tumbling down like grannies on roller blades (unless they are super hip roller balding grannies, but let’s assume not!).

Anyways… recently, I have had a ‘situation’ with my best friend who lives in Perth (over 4500km away) on the West coast.  She is pregnant and due to a medical condition will be needing much assistance to ensure she does not go into early labour.  She asked me if I would consider going over to help her for three months, or for any period I wanted (caring for her kids, cooking for her family and hubbie and basically being ‘her’).  And instead of just being honest and saying that as much as I love her, I really just cant stop my life for three months, once I knew that she could get a nurse to help, I avoided contact cos I didn’t have the balls to have the conversation that needed to be had.  I was scared of upsetting her.  Scared of her thinking that my decision to stay and honor my life was not good enough and that it made me a ‘bad’ person.  And where I would have been happy to go for a week or so, I judged that as not good or moral enough, so ended up with a bloody big mess.

Now, we are in (after 17 years of friendship) our most significant challenge.  She feels completly abandoned during her greatest crisis and I have to admit that whilst I behaved like a prime dick, I actually shouldn’t sugar coat the reasons or try to nake them acceptable  to her (what I’ve been doing in our letters).  I need to honor that I  didn’t want to go, and some how, somewhere, I have to be ok with that.  Even if she isn’t.  Holy bat turd!

Let me say that this is the most important person in my life.  I’d walk in front of many trains or buffalo stampedes (not a lot of these around here) for this top chick.  She’s my favourite human on the planet.    She is love personified and incarnate and makes Mother Theresa look like a heartless cow.  So this lack of forgiveness from her sits in me like a kilo of cheap dark chocolate.  All I want to do is make it better.  Say the right things to make her forgive me and get our friendship back to normal.  I think for me now, my lesson is not compromising myself for anyone and finding a way to keep communicating through the awkwardness.

I’m gonna have to call her.  Damn it.  Growth is tricky business.  Tomorrow is about receiving but for now, I gotta reach out.  With truth …

 

 

 

Day 28 – Eeny meenie mynie mo! Making top choices!

Wow 4 weeks down, 3 to go.  I peeked into next week and it looks like Freud is coming back for an unscheduled visit.  SOB! 🙂

But today was about choices, past present and future.  I could mega relate to Kat when she said that she was overwhelmed by the constant choices available to us in life.  It is something that I often speak of with friends.  The wild overwhelming nature of unlimited choice in which we can live our lives.  Sometimes it kind of puts me in a spin to know that the second that I choose it, I could infact change every single aspect of my life.  Completely.  Termorarily or permanently.  Where I live, where I work, who I hang with, what I look or dress like, what I eat, what I do for fun.  It’s mind boggling.

So, as Kat pointed out, good choices become crucial when looking for a soul mate.    I had to look at choices that I’ve made that I’m both proud of and … not so proud of and how I’ve learned from them.  I realized that sometimes I make frenzied choices from my head, generally leading to stress or uncool stuff.  But when I stop, breathe, stay calm and make choices from my place of peace, any result is more bearable.  Because I have mini Buddhad myself up and can kind of cope with the lot.

The good news I discovered is that I don’t have a lot of regret in my life.  Overall, I’m pretty happy with how I’ve chosen to live and the new peace that is starting to form within me.  One of the main things I’v learned from my choices, gallivanting across the globe many times in search of  ‘meaning’, is that everyday simple life is beautiful, just beautiful.  Holding hands with a friend, drinking tea, laughing and watching awesome rom coms.  Giggling with children.  Singing.  Dancing.  Listening to birds and watching trees rustle in the wind.  Life, quite simply is very beautiful.  It is always my choice to see it or not.

We had a synopsis today about the whole week.  I am just so grateful to be doing this process.  It truly is changing me from the inside out.  Scrubbing me up and making my heart all shiny and fresh.  My vision of love, purpose, intention, passions, guidance, integrity and choices.  What a week.  I’m starting to feel that I can overcome anything.  What color cape shall I choose? 😉

 

 

Day 27 – The Big scary voice within. My epiphany!

Well Kitty Kat is back with her usual tear provoking antics.  I would like to say that  when I read her writings on prayer and meditation this morning, unstoppable tears just poured down my face.  5 pages of major crying with new tear triggers occurring on every page.

Kat wrote about her relationship with God, how she felt completely abandoned during tough times in her life and basically dumped him (like a high school beau).  She felt that she had totally offered herself up, heart and soul to God, and that instead of being used in a great way that she was simply ignored and tortured.

I have definitely had this type of experience where I have given up on God.  Where I felt so lost and abandoned by life that it was hard to believe that I was not being ‘punished’ in some way.  And now, 4 weeks into the saga of my biting creatures, I have really been feeling that I am being ‘punished’ for something or taught some major awful lesson.  That God is making me suffer or getting me back for not coming good on my agreement with him to be a brave warrior princess and share my musical gifts with the world.

I realized that I’ve started bargaining with him, begging for help from this agony in exchange for a promise to fulfill my original promise of releasing music.  I’ve started begging and promising that if he makes the creatures go away, then (and only then) will I do what I promised and come good on my deal.  Only then will I start up my business as  a healer and workshop facilitator and start performing again.

And, what I’m seeing now is that maybe the greatest lesson within this all is that  I have to stop waiting for perfect conditions to start living my life.  I have to find a way to be grateful now and to live accordingly.  Now.  Damn it.

I had to do a little meditation on my theme for love (courage) and after doing it, I felt clearer on the lessons of my bug trauma.  Here’s my Oprah style AHA!:

1. I can overcome anything.  I am strong.  With courage and persistence, I will succeed.

2.Peace is available in ANY circumstance.

3.I can keep going with my goals, despite all obstacles.  I don’t have to let things stop me.

4.I am so so grateful for the simplicity and beauty of an everyday life.

5. I must appreciate the beauty and simplicity of my life NOW, even with my current obstacle.

I think this is what is commonly called an epiphany.  I am epiphonying all over myself today and am feeling that the only way through this is to take consistent focused action, both on the issue itself as well as with my own life.  I still need to honor my body and state of mind and stay in a state of peace and grace amongst it all. (NOT EASY!!!!) 😉

But, I feel so much calmer and prepared to take on more cleaning today and feel that I will do it in a much more peaceful and balanced state.

Tomorrow – making wise choices.  Really, can I get any wiser than this? 🙂

 

Day 21 – The Olympic Games Release Ceremony! Going for Gold!

OK Just quietly, are all Pest control people on CRACK?!  After some serious bed bug breakdown trauma where my Pest Control specialists said I should just ‘wait and see’ cos they couldn’t find evidence of them, I managed to not stab them, not cry like a tantruming toddler deprived of it’s limbless sleep toy and – barely – keep breathing.  I’d like to see them ‘just wait and see’ how it feels for invisible creatures to chew on you like a small  nation of vampires striking Gold.  So, I changed tack, deciding on the ‘get the fuck out of the house’ effort to shift my mood.  After a group sound healing, (I live in Byron Bay – hippie town full of weird arsed stuff where this is normal) I spent the night with an old friend laying under a blanket by the beach looking at the stars and delighting in the light rain on my face.  Till 230am!  I felt alive.  Out of a movie alive.

Stars, rain, wind, ocean.  A good reality slap from mother nature to remind me that life is about more than blood sucking little mo fos.  It’s about laying under blankets with hotties!!!  Yes, he was a hottie, but it was just very G rated action under the blankie so calm down already ;).

Let’s focus.  Back to Kitty Kat and her antics!  Today was the biggie.  Basically I had to go through my journal so far and highlight anything I felt needed to be released.  Let’s just say that this was a generous list.  If my releasing bits were loaves and fishes, well….

Anyways…, they were not loaves or fishes so I wrote them all down and by their side wrote out what I would need to embrace in order to release them.  Then when ready, I had to create a ceremony where I read what I was letting go of out loud and physically embody the golden newbies.  I found myself looking like Whoopie in “Ghost”, deep breathing, shaking, crying (twice) and literally feeling things being pulled out of me like the big fat rat I saw at the beach.  Equally it’s like I felt the deepest peace crawl into my soul and take a firm seat with a kind of ‘you just try and move me sis’ attitude!  This homey was going nowhere fast.  Peace had come in and decided to join me for the ride, like a jeweled up pimp.

The ones that cracked the tear ducts were ‘living my truth’ and ‘encouraging my talent’.  These are biggies for me.  To actually declare that I am going to piss of my bullshitting and simply live my truth.  Sexually, sensually, creatively, a life full of truth.  Sweet mother give me a valium for what I’ve just signed up for.  And encouraging my own self to express my talents… well, this was like being the parent to myself now that mum n dad simply never could.  It was like making a decision to be the hero in my own story (can I have a cool cape, please, can i can i? :)).

This ceremony was a mixture of wildly cliched self help Tony Robbins fire walking chanting (OH & S people calm down… there was no real fire!) and a sweet little pussy cat simply knowing that life was about love, being love and living love.  It was a little bit of furry goodness.  And I kind of feel like the cat that just ate the something… what is that saying?…cream?  I can’t remember what the cat ate but I know it is good and that she is damned proud of herself.

So, that’s it for now.  I feel like I just threw up a bad curry and am ready for some juicy dessert.  Ooooh…. apparently tomorrow I get to start visioning the good shit.  Put Freud in a damned corner for a while cos that home boy has been flat out stalking me for three weeks.  Until then, juicy squishy hugs to you all. xxxxx  Ariella

 

 

Day 20 – Sorry Mumma, Papa, but, Nu-uh! I’m gonna live MY life, not yours!

Well campers, I would like to say that there is a VERY good reason as to why I have not posted for a few days.  Due to my recent bed bug situation, as informed, I hammered my room with diametateous earth.  Well… unfortunately for me, I am probably the 1% of the population that is semi allergic and I ended up in casualty not able to breathe!  Too many ariborne particles in my lungs restricting something that we all lovingly get kind of attached to in this life… AIR!

Just quietly, I love air.  It actually does it for me in a big way.  Particularly when I felt that I couldn’t get enough of it with every gasping breath that I took. It’s really unbelievable the amount of drama that I have created whilst trying to call in my one.  I mean not only is my room the opposite of a feng shuied love nest, I actually can’t sleep in it because it nearly fucking killed me.  Only God knows what it will do to any brave potential lover.

So after spending a few days at a friends recovering, I got home today and cleaned it all out (with a face mask like I’m from Armageddon).  But…. I’m happy to report that I can now breathe lots more air again and I am back!  What a blogging champion! 🙂

So… Day 20 was about the life that my parents did not live and coincidentally wanted me to live for them.  How friendly!  They migrated to Australia from peasant Spain and gave up everything for a ‘better life’, for their children.  I had to become an academic career legend scientific mathematician Buddha, for them to be ok.  You see, I was the forth and final child and was their last chance to make good of all they had given up for their damned ungrateful children.  Bless us, cuties that we are. 🙂

Unfortunately I tool it all on board and have spent way too much time trying to fit into ‘proper’ day jobs that make me want to rip my own spleen out (cutely).  Deep down I’m a wild creative… art, music, song, acting, writing.  It’s all good to me.  But, somewhere I accepted my fate and let it all go, feeling that it was somehow ‘bad’.  For the better part of 20 years,  I’ve never really let myself succeed as the artist that I am, still punishing myself for not being what they wanted. (Perhaps I am a mini Buddha after all.. hmmm)

Well, today we had to do a little ceremony where I imagine them releasing expectations and forgiving me completely.  Then I had to do the same for them.  Forgive them and release them from any further expectation.  It was pretty cool to feel that in this ‘spirit world’ they were actually pretty cruisy to let it all go.  And surprisingly, I found myself having to let go of them saving me.  I mean, really, save me?  I’m 38!  I’m telling you, this Kitty Kat is a deep soul ninja like a heavy scourer, digging up shocking gunge that I truly never saw.  Yep.  I wanted my daddy to save me from this hard hard world.  Oh sweet baby Jesus, how many times did I watch Gone with the Wind as a child?  Did I watch it and hit my head and have it make me believe that I needed saving.  I am not even going to touch this one further.  Needless to say Freud, one point to you.  Kitty Kat, another 10 on your board.

As for me, happy to be breathing!  Tomorrow… big Mo Fo Release Ceremony coming our way!  Yum!  Stay tuned campers! xxx