Day 45 – Giving a F*@! about other humans!

Theory and practice.  In theory I am quite lovely.  I have a big fun heart and when with a group of people I can truly light up a room, if I choose to.  I could get a pack of suicidal teenagers to spill their guts and then belly laugh their way through heart warming stories about who they’ve pashed and what inspires them.

The problem is I don’t.  I don’t know why but somewhere, somehow I kind of stopped trying in life.  Full stop.  I kind of gave up the whole wild unpredictable ride and have been flat out trying not to care, ever since.  I’ve pretended I don’t give a fuck about anyone but myself and sometimes I’m astoundingly convinced.  But it leaves me feeling empty, like I just had a big plate of cheap no frills pasta.  No nutrients and full of something that is foreign and my body doesn’t know quite what to do with.

I think because I spent so many years in overwhelming adrenaline cascading fear, I kind of felt that all I could do was deal with myself.  I thought that if I could just get myself happy, then I could get on with the business of giving a fuck about any one else.  But this is about as fulfilling as porn when really what someone is crying out for is love.  Connection.  Something to make your heart burst and scream and let go and trust and pray and know that wow life is fucking amazing after all.   The fairy Godmother was not a psychotic narcissistic bitch out to get you.  She was right.  You are the fairy tale and life is there to give you all its incredible magic if you can only find the courage to … connect.

The challenge for me is my business admin approach to life.  Lists.  Dot points.  Cross things out and move onto the next task, human or event.  I wanted to get enough career fulfillment to then feel satisfied to join life, for real.  But, its a waiting game that could go on for ever.  I’m living on the side lines at the moment,  I occasionally run in and take over for a few minutes whilst one of the players has a breather.  I joined a theatre company and let my spirit come alive for two hours a week between 8 and 10pm on Thursday nights.  I occasionally let myself go to shows that make my soul sing:  But hopefully not too much cos then I end up all jaded that my life is not quite that vibrant or magnificent looking.

I can feel this shiny sparkly loving soul inside me that is quite wild.  A veritable torrent of love.  And lots of those in my life have felt it and are quite captivated by it.  But poor pups had better not be too attached cos it is gone just as quick as it appeared.  They are left with a tease and shadow of love and I am left empty wondering where all the love went.

This thing is love is not a game.  It is a way of being, a life style, a choice.  I have chosen a half life where I give very little of my self to friends, family, my community or the world at large.  Don’t expect too much of me and I won’t expect too much of you.  It is a stingy way to live, but such has been my self induced suffering and I have chosen it as the only way forward.  Focus on yourself now and plough forward like a death eater, keen to steal any scrap of joy in order to simply go on, go on, go on.

It is overwhelming to be so ruthless with my life right now.  So honest.  So desperately honest in the hope that this honesty will allow me to pick up my courage stone and finally rub it and let my genie appear.  The genie that has been waitng all my life:  The one who tells me that love is not a damned barter system and that if I want life to look more beautiful then I should become a torrent of beauty and fill the world with my flowers everywhere.  Love is not an excel spread sheet.  It can not be organised or ticked off one column at a time.  It is messy and only by getting all crazy and disorganzied and spread across it like a feral concoction of peanut butter, nutella and pickled tomato chutney can there ever be any hope of growing.  Love can’t grow in a vice.

Today has been a monster awareness day of admitting that I give very little emotionally or physically to anyone.  Even how I give to friends has become quite limited and neat.  It is time for me to start dancing naked in the pie chart of my life: To jump from segment to segment like a wild toddler after a gallon of red cordial.  It is time to stop waiting for the world to make me feel better.  It is time to grow up and stop expecting others to take care of my needs.  It is time to seize every single second as an opportunity to give and be love on this planet.  How can I honestly expect life to be generous to me when I am so insular?  Planet earth:  Welcome.  I’m stepping aboard.

 

Day 29.5 Committed!

As Freddy said in Nightamre on elm street…. ‘I’m baaaa- ack!’  Welcome homeys!

Well, I have discovered that in a week, apparently you can completely change your head space and your life.  So, I will not go on about my tragic bug dramas (because I jsut cant give these puppies any more energy!!!) but  will say that they are pretty close to over.  Yipee!  So, I am back to my life, taking that big sexy bull by the horns!

Today was on Commitments.  Now, living in Byron Bay, Hippie capital of Australia, let’s just say that I’m about as comfortable with commitments as being stapled to furniture for relaxation.  I go into a kind of trauma knowing that I have to commit to anything, lest it should mess with some ‘Grander’ plan for me.  (Yawn!!!)  Really, what I think I have been, is fearful of plugging into life in a permanent way.  Too scared to go the full Kahuna burger and just settling for the mini trial version.  This kind of sucks cos unless you really wrap your lips around the Fullness of the kahuna burger of life, then there is kind of no point living at all.  It’s like tip toeing around life, whispering.

In my life, I want to stomp and grunt like a trucker who has just downed 2 bottles of vodka.  A fearless, sweaty beast of a being not afraid of taking up room (but maybe a little less sweaty) :).

So, I am committing to being my full self in love and joy and fulfillment to experience the miracle of connection with everyone and everything in every moment.  I also commit to experiencing a true soul loving relationship.

I just feel so grateful to be back in life, back out in the world, actively a part of it again.  I am as excited as a kid who just woke up to realise that his whole room is covered in fairy floss and wants to be eaten as a breakfast snack.  I am really just now starting to get the power of my mind to create wild distractions to take me away from my life.

Tomorrow – Kat is putting up a case for selfishness.  Go you good thing!

 

 

Day 26 – How’s my integrity homey? A mini Victory.

Howdy Peeps!

In honor of my now 4 week saga with my minuscule creatures tormenting every cell and fibre of my being, I googled like a mad woman for a few days and have decided that I have some type of mite.  What mite?  Excellent quesiton.  Some bullshit mite that came out of a box from Peru.  That’s all I know.

So, I bought an insane amount of product and was at it from 7am to 5pm trying, (sweet mother of GOD, let it work!!!) to get the little blood sucking snipers out of my car.  I vacuumed like a CSI crime squad unit, then scrubbed the whole car’s inside, every inch, with bleach and then set off two toxic fumigation bombs.  If that doesn’t put a dent in their life cycle, really, what are they made of?  Cryptonite?  I will let you know the result but as for me, I am FUCKED, laying in bed writing this, praying for an end to these tiny mo fos.

But even though I’m semi horizontal, here I am!  🙂 So, how is my integrity?  Well, if any of you have read ‘The Four Agreements” then like me, you will know lots about integrity.  You see, I think I know lots about integrity.  I’m just not sure if I am actually living it.  Which essentially means my integrity is a bit up to shit at the moment.

You see, I’m pretty good with keeping my word to others.  If I say I’ll do something, you’ve got a pretty good chance that I’ll do it – unless it is something I’m doing for myself.  Bugger!  The truth is that I’m a singer songwriter and I recorded an album – wait for it – 4 years ago.  And this puppy, (which cost me all of my savings and hard work for years totalling $10,000!!!) is sitting, mastered in my bookshelf (probably covered with friggen mites!!!!) yet to be released.

I would also like to admit that this is not the first time I’ve gone to a studio, recorded beautiful stuff and then done sweet nothing with it.  It’s like something happens post production and this wildly obtrusive beast of a critic goes Hell for leather, telling me to stop.  Simply stop.  And so I do.  Double bugger!

So, whilst I’m a loyal Labrador or Golden Retriever style friend for others, with myself, hmmm… not so much.  I’m not loyal or honoring of me and that, my dear friends is a serious lack of integrity.  (Can I triple “bugger!!!”?)

So, Kitty Kat had me answering questions about lies I’ve been telling myself, communication I need to have I’ve been putting off, agreements I haven’t kept etc.  So, I now have a list of shit I need to ‘clean up’.  Dodgy unfinished business that needs to be tied up and put to bed.  For me lot’s of it is career stuff, the album, actively pursuing a career as a sound healer and submitting articles.  I guess that I’ve started writing this blog which is definitely something.  But I know that I promised myself more.

So… I’m on the case with a list.  However, a small miracle of success happened yesterday.  Finally, after 6 months ( I can indeed be a supreme pussy of intense proportions) I spoke to my flat mate re his messiness.  It was brief and he took it about as well as if I’d just stapled him to the sink (I wish!), but I did it.  He was wildly defensive and esentially, after two days since having stated my truth yesterday morning, I can honestly say that there has been almost no difference.

Buddha Lessons:  You can confront your stuff and get all Super Hero (with a big fat cape) and fell strong and valiant.  But sometimes, it doesn’t change shit and you have to find a way to be ok with that.  Surprisingly I am ok with it.  I just needed to try but am ok with the idea that he simply chooses to behave in this way and there may be nothing I can do about it.  I am insanely excited about being bug free and finding a little cottage of my own.  Bug free, bug free, bug free!  Yipee!

So sweetest dreams to you all and see ya in the morrow.  Kitty Kat is gonna get me praying and meditating.  Like I haven’t already been praying like a psycho!!!! … 🙂

 

Day 25 – Listening to God. What the @#%!!!

Hello muffins!

Today was about ‘Receiving Inner Guidance’.  And ‘m not talking about the kind of guidance that sends you to the pantry for a family block of Cadbury Chocolate.  No I’m talking about the woo woo from above kind.

To be honest, this is not a completely unfamiliar task to me.

As I said, I live in Byron Bay and for those of you who don’t know, this is essentially the hippy gathering of every weird arty healing thing you or your chakras have ever heard of.  There is a saying in Byron ‘Shake a tree and 50 healers fall out’.  And it’s probably not far off, since many of the healers may very well actually be climbing trees or simply frolicking in them for good times.

But I digress :).  Today I had to write a letter to God.  Yep the big Kahuna burger himself and basically have a bit of a chitty chat about my feelings, life etc and ask for guidance and help.  And then I had to write a letter back to myself from him.  Kitty Kat is going deep, deep undercover!

Funnily enough, when I wrote the letter, all that I could really focus on were my many biting creatures  (der!!!).  I just really want to get to the bottom of this so that I can move on with my life.  It has taken over my life in such a way that it is hard to focus on any thing else.  And I just found myself basically praying for some big help in transforming this once and for all.  It has now been almost 4 weeks since it started and I’m fearing for my sanity the same way that some people fear root canal.

And funnily enough, something was only too happy to reply to my whining creature bitten self.  In the letter I received, I was told that basically I have let my self be used by many in my life and that this was an energy that I needed to change on all levels (looks like I’m gonna have to face the flat mate after all.  Gasp!).  I would have to take charge of how I wanted people to treat me, completely, in order to transform my current creature laden life.  I was also told that this could last as long or short as I wanted it to but that if I grew a ball or 5 (my words, not God’s :)) and spoke up and really stood in my power, it would all be over in two weeks.  Sweet baby Jesus let it be true homey!!!!

I was also reminded that I had to find a way to stay in a place of peace and trust with this and knowingness that I would succeed.  If I felt defeated, I would be.  If I remained calm and strong and simply took consistent steps to transform my life, it would soon all be over.

I was also told that once I did this I would feel kind of invincible and able to transcend any obstacle, thus giving me a massive hit of motivation and action force to get on and live with passion.

So today I am action Jackson part 476 (or so it feels in my efforts to kill kill kill).  I’m off to buy products to start a whole new battalion.  Till then … ciao peeps xxx  Tomorrow – Establishing personal integrity.  Shit that sounds deep!

 

Day 23 – Intending my ‘One’

Ok Campers.  This is where Kitty Kat means business.  She is like a magic tough love fairy weaving her skanky spell and I can feel here stirring in my veins.  Today I had to set an intent, in relationship to the course.  It then occcured to me that I haven’t mentioned this to many people in my life and those I have mentioned it too, I’ve kind of said that it’s a good tool to love myself more and be better prepared for intimacy again.  I actually haven’t really stated an intent that I want to find my soul partner for fear that people would roll their eyes or shoot me a pittying ‘poor little dreamer’ glance.  You know the one.

I’ve stayed the tough rock that I am.  Always hiding.  Ever mysterious.

So, today I’m declaring it to you (fine little fluffy ferrets that you are!).  I declare my intention to be engaged to my sacred soul mate life partner by 31 Jan 2013.

There it is.  In writing.  On the net.  Go tiger!  So, what I’m thinking this means is that I am going to keep you posted on my status even after the course, to let you know about my dating antics as I embark upon them.  Good Lord.  I had no idea that I would be doing this.  My one request of you is that you do your best to have faith in me.  If you don’t believe in me, then maybe be a honey and don’t actually tell me this.  I have never set such a clear intent in my life and don’t need any jaded love torn victims dragging my frail little fledgling love bunny spirit down.

I also had to look at my doubts about being able to achieve my intent and then come up with some statements to overcome this.  I realized that I had doubts that I could actually be with the ‘one’.  Not doubts that we could meet, but doubts that it could just flow and be easy and uncomplicated.

So my helpful lines were:

My life partner is as excited to unite with me as I am with him!

There are beautiful men everywhere wanting to date me!

Love is everywhere and my husband is on his way to me!

I was like an affirmation semi trailer and am feeling kind of excited about it.  The extra task is to share this with a human today so they can keep you accountable.  It is pretty scary to do this.  You see, I don’t know if I know anyone who would actually believe me.  I don’t know what this says about my life.  But for now, you may need to be my accountability bitches.  Rock on! I know you are totally up to the task.

Tomorrow – clarifying my souls purpose.  Ooh Juicy!

 

Day 22 – Visioning – aka – Listening to the Godster!

Oh Thank you thank you thank you Kitty Kat.  When this home girl said that she was no longer gonna drag my subconscious through mud, slam it off cliffs and then stab it (just to make sure it got the message) she was right!

Today was a damned joy.  Bring on week 4!  Beside the fact that there seemed to be very minimal creature chewing going on last night (a definite bonus), today was about Visioning a love fulfilled.  Now this is not the whole “The secret” thing where you sit down and consciously do your nut in whilst you try to work out your exact desires.  This is where you become still enough to feel the answer. Oooooh.  Spooky 🙂

Actually it was a bit amazing.  I was ‘given’ two songs “All fired up” by Pat Benetar and “Like  Prayer” by Maddonna.  I’d like it to be known that they were so not top of mind awareness (nb. is Pat Benetar top of mind awareness for anyone????) so I’m gonna just fully trip out and assume that God it trying to talk to me in cleudo code (Nice one Home boy!!!).  I just googled the lyrics and the line that knocked my head off was “the deepest cuts are healed by faith”.  Oooooh.  Gave me big chunky goose bumps.  Faith.  Actually believing that I can wake up with a beautiful partner day to day and to experience love in a mega ginormous way.  That it could be real.  That this kind of love is … possible.  Gosh.  (Tail between legs).

I just googled lyrics to ‘Like a prayer’ (millenium child that I am) and was too dimwitted to actually get the meaning so (fear not fair maidens!) I googled ‘meaning’ and was highly entertained for a moment by the running debate/ scrag fest I landed upon!  Bless these puppies!  My synopsis of the bitch fest is that this song is about a love so sacred and passionate that it takes you to Godly realms and heights.  And, I would like to say, like JD in Scrubs, now that’s what I’m talkin about!

Yep, this is the love I’m after.  Falling deep, deep into that blissful union of magic, passion, ecstasy and connection.  And the stuff that was coming to me in my little God chitty chat was so beautiful, that it kind of floored me.  Loving touch, deep peace and overwhelming almost mind blowing grattitude.  Like how happy you get if someone just handed you a never ending packet of Tim Tams (for those of you who have never tried these, my deepest sympathy.  They are the King of chocolate solutions to mankind), but better ( if you can believe that).

Then we had to do two more meditations about what we had to give up to let this in and what we had to embody or become.  The big one for me was giving up hiding.  So, what stood out like a demon was that I am in hiding, even right now.  Not really saying who I am.  No photo.  No name.  No detail.  I think a little part of me is always incognito.  So, maybe you can let me know.  If you want to know and see the real me, I will sit with it and maybe reveal.  I’m thinking it can’t be a coincidence (cos I’m like a ninja of code cracking genius!).

Finally, with what I had to become, the main thing that stood out was’ vulnerable, open and real’.  Gasp.  Same message.  This homey is packing a punch.  I felt so safe writing under my little blogging blanket of anonymity.  Do I really need to get out from under the blankie?  Is it cold out there?  Let me know!  Tomorrow – Setting an Intention.  Till then, big squishy bear hugs your way xxx

 

Day 21 – The Olympic Games Release Ceremony! Going for Gold!

OK Just quietly, are all Pest control people on CRACK?!  After some serious bed bug breakdown trauma where my Pest Control specialists said I should just ‘wait and see’ cos they couldn’t find evidence of them, I managed to not stab them, not cry like a tantruming toddler deprived of it’s limbless sleep toy and – barely – keep breathing.  I’d like to see them ‘just wait and see’ how it feels for invisible creatures to chew on you like a small  nation of vampires striking Gold.  So, I changed tack, deciding on the ‘get the fuck out of the house’ effort to shift my mood.  After a group sound healing, (I live in Byron Bay – hippie town full of weird arsed stuff where this is normal) I spent the night with an old friend laying under a blanket by the beach looking at the stars and delighting in the light rain on my face.  Till 230am!  I felt alive.  Out of a movie alive.

Stars, rain, wind, ocean.  A good reality slap from mother nature to remind me that life is about more than blood sucking little mo fos.  It’s about laying under blankets with hotties!!!  Yes, he was a hottie, but it was just very G rated action under the blankie so calm down already ;).

Let’s focus.  Back to Kitty Kat and her antics!  Today was the biggie.  Basically I had to go through my journal so far and highlight anything I felt needed to be released.  Let’s just say that this was a generous list.  If my releasing bits were loaves and fishes, well….

Anyways…, they were not loaves or fishes so I wrote them all down and by their side wrote out what I would need to embrace in order to release them.  Then when ready, I had to create a ceremony where I read what I was letting go of out loud and physically embody the golden newbies.  I found myself looking like Whoopie in “Ghost”, deep breathing, shaking, crying (twice) and literally feeling things being pulled out of me like the big fat rat I saw at the beach.  Equally it’s like I felt the deepest peace crawl into my soul and take a firm seat with a kind of ‘you just try and move me sis’ attitude!  This homey was going nowhere fast.  Peace had come in and decided to join me for the ride, like a jeweled up pimp.

The ones that cracked the tear ducts were ‘living my truth’ and ‘encouraging my talent’.  These are biggies for me.  To actually declare that I am going to piss of my bullshitting and simply live my truth.  Sexually, sensually, creatively, a life full of truth.  Sweet mother give me a valium for what I’ve just signed up for.  And encouraging my own self to express my talents… well, this was like being the parent to myself now that mum n dad simply never could.  It was like making a decision to be the hero in my own story (can I have a cool cape, please, can i can i? :)).

This ceremony was a mixture of wildly cliched self help Tony Robbins fire walking chanting (OH & S people calm down… there was no real fire!) and a sweet little pussy cat simply knowing that life was about love, being love and living love.  It was a little bit of furry goodness.  And I kind of feel like the cat that just ate the something… what is that saying?…cream?  I can’t remember what the cat ate but I know it is good and that she is damned proud of herself.

So, that’s it for now.  I feel like I just threw up a bad curry and am ready for some juicy dessert.  Ooooh…. apparently tomorrow I get to start visioning the good shit.  Put Freud in a damned corner for a while cos that home boy has been flat out stalking me for three weeks.  Until then, juicy squishy hugs to you all. xxxxx  Ariella

 

 

Day 20 – Sorry Mumma, Papa, but, Nu-uh! I’m gonna live MY life, not yours!

Well campers, I would like to say that there is a VERY good reason as to why I have not posted for a few days.  Due to my recent bed bug situation, as informed, I hammered my room with diametateous earth.  Well… unfortunately for me, I am probably the 1% of the population that is semi allergic and I ended up in casualty not able to breathe!  Too many ariborne particles in my lungs restricting something that we all lovingly get kind of attached to in this life… AIR!

Just quietly, I love air.  It actually does it for me in a big way.  Particularly when I felt that I couldn’t get enough of it with every gasping breath that I took. It’s really unbelievable the amount of drama that I have created whilst trying to call in my one.  I mean not only is my room the opposite of a feng shuied love nest, I actually can’t sleep in it because it nearly fucking killed me.  Only God knows what it will do to any brave potential lover.

So after spending a few days at a friends recovering, I got home today and cleaned it all out (with a face mask like I’m from Armageddon).  But…. I’m happy to report that I can now breathe lots more air again and I am back!  What a blogging champion! 🙂

So… Day 20 was about the life that my parents did not live and coincidentally wanted me to live for them.  How friendly!  They migrated to Australia from peasant Spain and gave up everything for a ‘better life’, for their children.  I had to become an academic career legend scientific mathematician Buddha, for them to be ok.  You see, I was the forth and final child and was their last chance to make good of all they had given up for their damned ungrateful children.  Bless us, cuties that we are. 🙂

Unfortunately I tool it all on board and have spent way too much time trying to fit into ‘proper’ day jobs that make me want to rip my own spleen out (cutely).  Deep down I’m a wild creative… art, music, song, acting, writing.  It’s all good to me.  But, somewhere I accepted my fate and let it all go, feeling that it was somehow ‘bad’.  For the better part of 20 years,  I’ve never really let myself succeed as the artist that I am, still punishing myself for not being what they wanted. (Perhaps I am a mini Buddha after all.. hmmm)

Well, today we had to do a little ceremony where I imagine them releasing expectations and forgiving me completely.  Then I had to do the same for them.  Forgive them and release them from any further expectation.  It was pretty cool to feel that in this ‘spirit world’ they were actually pretty cruisy to let it all go.  And surprisingly, I found myself having to let go of them saving me.  I mean, really, save me?  I’m 38!  I’m telling you, this Kitty Kat is a deep soul ninja like a heavy scourer, digging up shocking gunge that I truly never saw.  Yep.  I wanted my daddy to save me from this hard hard world.  Oh sweet baby Jesus, how many times did I watch Gone with the Wind as a child?  Did I watch it and hit my head and have it make me believe that I needed saving.  I am not even going to touch this one further.  Needless to say Freud, one point to you.  Kitty Kat, another 10 on your board.

As for me, happy to be breathing!  Tomorrow… big Mo Fo Release Ceremony coming our way!  Yum!  Stay tuned campers! xxx

 

Day 19 – All of my juicy good and bad shit!

Well, here it is my beauties… All of me… the good the bad and the ugly.. literally!

Today was amazing.  Really, so fun. Maybe this Kitty kay chic isn’t out to get me and slaughter my life and fun after all! 🙂

Today I had to draw a picture of myself and one by one add my power, beauty, talent, greatness, ugliness, passion, light, sexuality, anger and love.  It was amazing and I had a revelation that I have chucked out my ‘beauty’ because as a child I was told that I was smart but not pretty and my sister was told that she was pretty but not so smart.  I think that basically I felt that if I really owned any part of my beauty that I would some how be betraying her and taking away the one thing she was complimented for.  Damn you Freud!  I’m a walking text book of despair, living out my mum’s comments from 25 years ago! Well, you little maggot…. begone! Nia nia nia!

I’ve made a decision to take that baby back  I generally kind of play down my appearance.  Not much make up.  Little effort.  Kind of lay low.  Hiding maybe?  Well, well well.  Let’s see how this goes cos today I have to risk expressing more of my authentic self so I’m gonna try on beauty for size and see how she fits.

It was great to put the anger and darkness in there too and realize that she still looked wildly beautiful and calm.  To feel that it really is ok to have all these bits.  They don’t need to be mended, thrown out or stabbed (the vicious trojan within sometimes wants to take to my darkness with a hungry dagger!).  I Just gotta accept and allow it all.  What a friggen relief just quietly.  (Bless :)).

BB News update:  For those of you following my bed bug possible saga… I spent 4 hours yesterday sprinkling dimetaceous earth all over almost everything I own.  It will continue today.  Looks like snow in my room and my bed is surrounded by a moat of it.  But good times.  I’m slaughtering my vampires, loving my darkness & anger and owning some beauty.  Tomorrow… individuation what is that?!!! 🙂  And now, more juicy film festival goodness.  About healers and an Afghanistan boy.  Love it love it love it!  Over and out campers!

 

Day 16 – Childhood drama blah blah blah. Damned core beliefs!

Hands up here who is sick and fucking tired of hearing that your childhood had some kind of major bull shit impact on who you have become today?  Hands up here who would like to smash someone over the head (lovingly of course – with just a baby sledge hammer) every time they suggest that you have issues?

Well, I think I’m having some kind of workshop over-processing Day 16 breakdown.  For fuck’s sake.  I’m so bored with my shit that I’m actually thinking that maybe root canal sounds like fun entertainment.  Or screwing a limb off like leggo.

Anyways… (tanty now over, I think) today was about core beliefs.  I had to do a series of questions about disappointments in my childhood (surprise surprise) and what I made them mean about me and the world and in turn, how I have come to see the world at large.  Let’s cut to the chase right now campers and say that this is not a pretty picture.

Essentially I’ve been feeling like an unlovable alien who was dropped off here on earth but really doesn’t belong.  I’ve been seeing life as a series of cruel, unfair, hard experiences, one after another.  I’ve felt ugly and embarrassed about the very nature of myself, deeming it unacceptable.  And finally I’ve deemed love to make no sense at all, something strange not to be trusted and decided that I should stay closed and strong to stay safe cos life and people were cruel.

I mean, really what the Hell am I supposed to do with this?  If I could drag it out of myself and set it alight, believe me I would.  I think what is so frikken tricky about this self exploration thing is that it is basically ugly.  It’s the total crap inside that I’m dredging up.  Believe me, most people in my life would have NO idea that I have all this shit still inside me cos I come across as little Miss Inspiration, big smiles, quirky humor and kind eyes.  But somehow, this is making me think that every one has some caca dredgy shit down deep.  Really, I can’t be the only one on the planet with a big bucket of soul slime.  Give me some hope!!!! 🙂

So, today I have to go through my day simply observing these beliefs and see how much or little I’m operating out of them.  Also, we had to rewrite some beliefs that we would prefer to nurture and I thought I’d do this now rather than later so that I could lift the damned veil, so to speak and maybe not screw a limb off as a sport.

So, after spending some time looking at evidence that my beliefs were actually not true, (which is surprisingly easy to find when you actually look for it), I came up with a newby:

“I belong because I am love and life is love.  The world is my family and they fully accept me as I am.  I express myself fully and shine my light into their hearts.”

Pretty hey?  I had a little tear roll down my left cheek as I wrote it repeatedly.  Fuck it can be hard to surrender seeing myself as alone and unloveable.  I mean that may mean actually taking risks in life.  Real heart risks and they smell like toxic danger to me.  But I want them.  I want the toxic danger cos somehow, I know that that’s where the gold is.

More panting and breathing today,  But not as heavy.  Getting used to these transformational contractions.  Tomorrow – Transforming Identity.  Just kill me now!