Day 30 – Saying No! Ouch.

Hola my cute little blog bunnies!

Today’s lesson could not be more apt for me in my life right now:   Healthy selfishness.  You know…  saying ‘No’ when we need to.  All together now – Deep breath.

This (like for most earthlings :)) is like trying to do zumba on a tightrope.  Tricky.  You see, I actually have pretty good boundaries over all.  I’m all about the gut instinct (fyi, since the age of 21, my gut is called Jessie) and making decisions.  I’ve lived like this for years.  Where things get a little slippery however, is when someone I really love asks me to do something or wants my company or attention and I know (or would bet my favorite fluffy unicorn – Alfred) they’ll be upset if I don’t give it.  That’s where the old boundaries come tumbling down like grannies on roller blades (unless they are super hip roller balding grannies, but let’s assume not!).

Anyways… recently, I have had a ‘situation’ with my best friend who lives in Perth (over 4500km away) on the West coast.  She is pregnant and due to a medical condition will be needing much assistance to ensure she does not go into early labour.  She asked me if I would consider going over to help her for three months, or for any period I wanted (caring for her kids, cooking for her family and hubbie and basically being ‘her’).  And instead of just being honest and saying that as much as I love her, I really just cant stop my life for three months, once I knew that she could get a nurse to help, I avoided contact cos I didn’t have the balls to have the conversation that needed to be had.  I was scared of upsetting her.  Scared of her thinking that my decision to stay and honor my life was not good enough and that it made me a ‘bad’ person.  And where I would have been happy to go for a week or so, I judged that as not good or moral enough, so ended up with a bloody big mess.

Now, we are in (after 17 years of friendship) our most significant challenge.  She feels completly abandoned during her greatest crisis and I have to admit that whilst I behaved like a prime dick, I actually shouldn’t sugar coat the reasons or try to nake them acceptable  to her (what I’ve been doing in our letters).  I need to honor that I  didn’t want to go, and some how, somewhere, I have to be ok with that.  Even if she isn’t.  Holy bat turd!

Let me say that this is the most important person in my life.  I’d walk in front of many trains or buffalo stampedes (not a lot of these around here) for this top chick.  She’s my favourite human on the planet.    She is love personified and incarnate and makes Mother Theresa look like a heartless cow.  So this lack of forgiveness from her sits in me like a kilo of cheap dark chocolate.  All I want to do is make it better.  Say the right things to make her forgive me and get our friendship back to normal.  I think for me now, my lesson is not compromising myself for anyone and finding a way to keep communicating through the awkwardness.

I’m gonna have to call her.  Damn it.  Growth is tricky business.  Tomorrow is about receiving but for now, I gotta reach out.  With truth …

 

 

 

Day 29.5 Committed!

As Freddy said in Nightamre on elm street…. ‘I’m baaaa- ack!’  Welcome homeys!

Well, I have discovered that in a week, apparently you can completely change your head space and your life.  So, I will not go on about my tragic bug dramas (because I jsut cant give these puppies any more energy!!!) but  will say that they are pretty close to over.  Yipee!  So, I am back to my life, taking that big sexy bull by the horns!

Today was on Commitments.  Now, living in Byron Bay, Hippie capital of Australia, let’s just say that I’m about as comfortable with commitments as being stapled to furniture for relaxation.  I go into a kind of trauma knowing that I have to commit to anything, lest it should mess with some ‘Grander’ plan for me.  (Yawn!!!)  Really, what I think I have been, is fearful of plugging into life in a permanent way.  Too scared to go the full Kahuna burger and just settling for the mini trial version.  This kind of sucks cos unless you really wrap your lips around the Fullness of the kahuna burger of life, then there is kind of no point living at all.  It’s like tip toeing around life, whispering.

In my life, I want to stomp and grunt like a trucker who has just downed 2 bottles of vodka.  A fearless, sweaty beast of a being not afraid of taking up room (but maybe a little less sweaty) :).

So, I am committing to being my full self in love and joy and fulfillment to experience the miracle of connection with everyone and everything in every moment.  I also commit to experiencing a true soul loving relationship.

I just feel so grateful to be back in life, back out in the world, actively a part of it again.  I am as excited as a kid who just woke up to realise that his whole room is covered in fairy floss and wants to be eaten as a breakfast snack.  I am really just now starting to get the power of my mind to create wild distractions to take me away from my life.

Tomorrow – Kat is putting up a case for selfishness.  Go you good thing!

 

 

Day 28 – Eeny meenie mynie mo! Making top choices!

Wow 4 weeks down, 3 to go.  I peeked into next week and it looks like Freud is coming back for an unscheduled visit.  SOB! 🙂

But today was about choices, past present and future.  I could mega relate to Kat when she said that she was overwhelmed by the constant choices available to us in life.  It is something that I often speak of with friends.  The wild overwhelming nature of unlimited choice in which we can live our lives.  Sometimes it kind of puts me in a spin to know that the second that I choose it, I could infact change every single aspect of my life.  Completely.  Termorarily or permanently.  Where I live, where I work, who I hang with, what I look or dress like, what I eat, what I do for fun.  It’s mind boggling.

So, as Kat pointed out, good choices become crucial when looking for a soul mate.    I had to look at choices that I’ve made that I’m both proud of and … not so proud of and how I’ve learned from them.  I realized that sometimes I make frenzied choices from my head, generally leading to stress or uncool stuff.  But when I stop, breathe, stay calm and make choices from my place of peace, any result is more bearable.  Because I have mini Buddhad myself up and can kind of cope with the lot.

The good news I discovered is that I don’t have a lot of regret in my life.  Overall, I’m pretty happy with how I’ve chosen to live and the new peace that is starting to form within me.  One of the main things I’v learned from my choices, gallivanting across the globe many times in search of  ‘meaning’, is that everyday simple life is beautiful, just beautiful.  Holding hands with a friend, drinking tea, laughing and watching awesome rom coms.  Giggling with children.  Singing.  Dancing.  Listening to birds and watching trees rustle in the wind.  Life, quite simply is very beautiful.  It is always my choice to see it or not.

We had a synopsis today about the whole week.  I am just so grateful to be doing this process.  It truly is changing me from the inside out.  Scrubbing me up and making my heart all shiny and fresh.  My vision of love, purpose, intention, passions, guidance, integrity and choices.  What a week.  I’m starting to feel that I can overcome anything.  What color cape shall I choose? 😉

 

 

Day 27 – The Big scary voice within. My epiphany!

Well Kitty Kat is back with her usual tear provoking antics.  I would like to say that  when I read her writings on prayer and meditation this morning, unstoppable tears just poured down my face.  5 pages of major crying with new tear triggers occurring on every page.

Kat wrote about her relationship with God, how she felt completely abandoned during tough times in her life and basically dumped him (like a high school beau).  She felt that she had totally offered herself up, heart and soul to God, and that instead of being used in a great way that she was simply ignored and tortured.

I have definitely had this type of experience where I have given up on God.  Where I felt so lost and abandoned by life that it was hard to believe that I was not being ‘punished’ in some way.  And now, 4 weeks into the saga of my biting creatures, I have really been feeling that I am being ‘punished’ for something or taught some major awful lesson.  That God is making me suffer or getting me back for not coming good on my agreement with him to be a brave warrior princess and share my musical gifts with the world.

I realized that I’ve started bargaining with him, begging for help from this agony in exchange for a promise to fulfill my original promise of releasing music.  I’ve started begging and promising that if he makes the creatures go away, then (and only then) will I do what I promised and come good on my deal.  Only then will I start up my business as  a healer and workshop facilitator and start performing again.

And, what I’m seeing now is that maybe the greatest lesson within this all is that  I have to stop waiting for perfect conditions to start living my life.  I have to find a way to be grateful now and to live accordingly.  Now.  Damn it.

I had to do a little meditation on my theme for love (courage) and after doing it, I felt clearer on the lessons of my bug trauma.  Here’s my Oprah style AHA!:

1. I can overcome anything.  I am strong.  With courage and persistence, I will succeed.

2.Peace is available in ANY circumstance.

3.I can keep going with my goals, despite all obstacles.  I don’t have to let things stop me.

4.I am so so grateful for the simplicity and beauty of an everyday life.

5. I must appreciate the beauty and simplicity of my life NOW, even with my current obstacle.

I think this is what is commonly called an epiphany.  I am epiphonying all over myself today and am feeling that the only way through this is to take consistent focused action, both on the issue itself as well as with my own life.  I still need to honor my body and state of mind and stay in a state of peace and grace amongst it all. (NOT EASY!!!!) 😉

But, I feel so much calmer and prepared to take on more cleaning today and feel that I will do it in a much more peaceful and balanced state.

Tomorrow – making wise choices.  Really, can I get any wiser than this? 🙂

 

Day 26 – How’s my integrity homey? A mini Victory.

Howdy Peeps!

In honor of my now 4 week saga with my minuscule creatures tormenting every cell and fibre of my being, I googled like a mad woman for a few days and have decided that I have some type of mite.  What mite?  Excellent quesiton.  Some bullshit mite that came out of a box from Peru.  That’s all I know.

So, I bought an insane amount of product and was at it from 7am to 5pm trying, (sweet mother of GOD, let it work!!!) to get the little blood sucking snipers out of my car.  I vacuumed like a CSI crime squad unit, then scrubbed the whole car’s inside, every inch, with bleach and then set off two toxic fumigation bombs.  If that doesn’t put a dent in their life cycle, really, what are they made of?  Cryptonite?  I will let you know the result but as for me, I am FUCKED, laying in bed writing this, praying for an end to these tiny mo fos.

But even though I’m semi horizontal, here I am!  🙂 So, how is my integrity?  Well, if any of you have read ‘The Four Agreements” then like me, you will know lots about integrity.  You see, I think I know lots about integrity.  I’m just not sure if I am actually living it.  Which essentially means my integrity is a bit up to shit at the moment.

You see, I’m pretty good with keeping my word to others.  If I say I’ll do something, you’ve got a pretty good chance that I’ll do it – unless it is something I’m doing for myself.  Bugger!  The truth is that I’m a singer songwriter and I recorded an album – wait for it – 4 years ago.  And this puppy, (which cost me all of my savings and hard work for years totalling $10,000!!!) is sitting, mastered in my bookshelf (probably covered with friggen mites!!!!) yet to be released.

I would also like to admit that this is not the first time I’ve gone to a studio, recorded beautiful stuff and then done sweet nothing with it.  It’s like something happens post production and this wildly obtrusive beast of a critic goes Hell for leather, telling me to stop.  Simply stop.  And so I do.  Double bugger!

So, whilst I’m a loyal Labrador or Golden Retriever style friend for others, with myself, hmmm… not so much.  I’m not loyal or honoring of me and that, my dear friends is a serious lack of integrity.  (Can I triple “bugger!!!”?)

So, Kitty Kat had me answering questions about lies I’ve been telling myself, communication I need to have I’ve been putting off, agreements I haven’t kept etc.  So, I now have a list of shit I need to ‘clean up’.  Dodgy unfinished business that needs to be tied up and put to bed.  For me lot’s of it is career stuff, the album, actively pursuing a career as a sound healer and submitting articles.  I guess that I’ve started writing this blog which is definitely something.  But I know that I promised myself more.

So… I’m on the case with a list.  However, a small miracle of success happened yesterday.  Finally, after 6 months ( I can indeed be a supreme pussy of intense proportions) I spoke to my flat mate re his messiness.  It was brief and he took it about as well as if I’d just stapled him to the sink (I wish!), but I did it.  He was wildly defensive and esentially, after two days since having stated my truth yesterday morning, I can honestly say that there has been almost no difference.

Buddha Lessons:  You can confront your stuff and get all Super Hero (with a big fat cape) and fell strong and valiant.  But sometimes, it doesn’t change shit and you have to find a way to be ok with that.  Surprisingly I am ok with it.  I just needed to try but am ok with the idea that he simply chooses to behave in this way and there may be nothing I can do about it.  I am insanely excited about being bug free and finding a little cottage of my own.  Bug free, bug free, bug free!  Yipee!

So sweetest dreams to you all and see ya in the morrow.  Kitty Kat is gonna get me praying and meditating.  Like I haven’t already been praying like a psycho!!!! … 🙂

 

Day 24 – Yep it’s Soul Purpose Time – OH NO!!! NOT THAT! :)

Howdy beauties!

Today once again was tops!  I just wanna grab Kitty Kat and give her a big mumma squish.  I’m almost starting to trust that she is actually not out to cause me continual trauma for seven weeks.  As in, Maybe this little home girl actually knows what she’s doing!  Gasp! (Little victory dance) 🙂

So, today was about clarifying my… wait for it…  soul purpose.  You know, that thing that people have been going on about since birth.  That thing you are meant to know and be focused on like a bengal tiger hunting a gazelle (do they hunt gazelle?).  Her point is, you have to know what moves / inspires you, ideally, before hooking up with the old soul matey, so that you both know that you can walk together (as opposed to stab each other) in this crazy ride called life.

So, trickster transformation ninja that she is, she had lots of free association questions about it all like what comes naturally, times I’ve been happiest, what I love doing, what I’m passionate about, what people say I’m good at.  Blah blah blah.  And then she hammers the purpose statement on you like a small block of flats.  But surprisingly, it is like this puppy just answered itself.  For me… prep your self cos it’s a bit deep:

My purpose is to use my creative and intuitive gifts to heal and inspire others to live their highest potential and greatest joy.  I shine my light upon the earth so that people may feel their own brightness.

And this inspired me to write the following:

I am here to shine my light unto the world.  When I shine this light, I see the world around me soften, become sacred and beautiful.  My shadows lose their power and mystery and become companions who simply need to be heard.  People appear holy, magical and full of hope.  

Every blade of grass, breath of wind, drop of rain is then filled with the magical power of life, overflowing, ever flowing.  

The face of every person becomes an angel.  I see their purity. I know their brilliance.  I feel the love inside them.  

In fact, when I shine my light, this light transforms life in such a complete way that all  I see is love.  Love, Love, Sweet Love.

And there was more too but I don’t want to overwhelm you with the mushy business of the mini Buddha I’m turning into :).  But it’s a taster of the good bits coming out of me after three weeks of cathartic purging!  Go team!

So, yeah, feeling great on this yummy grey Sunday morning.  I’m lathered up in eucalyptus oil to help me deal with my multiple bite action.  I smell like a tree.  But as smooth and silky as a seal.  Bless!  Tomorrow is about receiving inner guidance.  Rock on till then peeps! xx

 

 

Day 23 – Intending my ‘One’

Ok Campers.  This is where Kitty Kat means business.  She is like a magic tough love fairy weaving her skanky spell and I can feel here stirring in my veins.  Today I had to set an intent, in relationship to the course.  It then occcured to me that I haven’t mentioned this to many people in my life and those I have mentioned it too, I’ve kind of said that it’s a good tool to love myself more and be better prepared for intimacy again.  I actually haven’t really stated an intent that I want to find my soul partner for fear that people would roll their eyes or shoot me a pittying ‘poor little dreamer’ glance.  You know the one.

I’ve stayed the tough rock that I am.  Always hiding.  Ever mysterious.

So, today I’m declaring it to you (fine little fluffy ferrets that you are!).  I declare my intention to be engaged to my sacred soul mate life partner by 31 Jan 2013.

There it is.  In writing.  On the net.  Go tiger!  So, what I’m thinking this means is that I am going to keep you posted on my status even after the course, to let you know about my dating antics as I embark upon them.  Good Lord.  I had no idea that I would be doing this.  My one request of you is that you do your best to have faith in me.  If you don’t believe in me, then maybe be a honey and don’t actually tell me this.  I have never set such a clear intent in my life and don’t need any jaded love torn victims dragging my frail little fledgling love bunny spirit down.

I also had to look at my doubts about being able to achieve my intent and then come up with some statements to overcome this.  I realized that I had doubts that I could actually be with the ‘one’.  Not doubts that we could meet, but doubts that it could just flow and be easy and uncomplicated.

So my helpful lines were:

My life partner is as excited to unite with me as I am with him!

There are beautiful men everywhere wanting to date me!

Love is everywhere and my husband is on his way to me!

I was like an affirmation semi trailer and am feeling kind of excited about it.  The extra task is to share this with a human today so they can keep you accountable.  It is pretty scary to do this.  You see, I don’t know if I know anyone who would actually believe me.  I don’t know what this says about my life.  But for now, you may need to be my accountability bitches.  Rock on! I know you are totally up to the task.

Tomorrow – clarifying my souls purpose.  Ooh Juicy!

 

Day 21 – The Olympic Games Release Ceremony! Going for Gold!

OK Just quietly, are all Pest control people on CRACK?!  After some serious bed bug breakdown trauma where my Pest Control specialists said I should just ‘wait and see’ cos they couldn’t find evidence of them, I managed to not stab them, not cry like a tantruming toddler deprived of it’s limbless sleep toy and – barely – keep breathing.  I’d like to see them ‘just wait and see’ how it feels for invisible creatures to chew on you like a small  nation of vampires striking Gold.  So, I changed tack, deciding on the ‘get the fuck out of the house’ effort to shift my mood.  After a group sound healing, (I live in Byron Bay – hippie town full of weird arsed stuff where this is normal) I spent the night with an old friend laying under a blanket by the beach looking at the stars and delighting in the light rain on my face.  Till 230am!  I felt alive.  Out of a movie alive.

Stars, rain, wind, ocean.  A good reality slap from mother nature to remind me that life is about more than blood sucking little mo fos.  It’s about laying under blankets with hotties!!!  Yes, he was a hottie, but it was just very G rated action under the blankie so calm down already ;).

Let’s focus.  Back to Kitty Kat and her antics!  Today was the biggie.  Basically I had to go through my journal so far and highlight anything I felt needed to be released.  Let’s just say that this was a generous list.  If my releasing bits were loaves and fishes, well….

Anyways…, they were not loaves or fishes so I wrote them all down and by their side wrote out what I would need to embrace in order to release them.  Then when ready, I had to create a ceremony where I read what I was letting go of out loud and physically embody the golden newbies.  I found myself looking like Whoopie in “Ghost”, deep breathing, shaking, crying (twice) and literally feeling things being pulled out of me like the big fat rat I saw at the beach.  Equally it’s like I felt the deepest peace crawl into my soul and take a firm seat with a kind of ‘you just try and move me sis’ attitude!  This homey was going nowhere fast.  Peace had come in and decided to join me for the ride, like a jeweled up pimp.

The ones that cracked the tear ducts were ‘living my truth’ and ‘encouraging my talent’.  These are biggies for me.  To actually declare that I am going to piss of my bullshitting and simply live my truth.  Sexually, sensually, creatively, a life full of truth.  Sweet mother give me a valium for what I’ve just signed up for.  And encouraging my own self to express my talents… well, this was like being the parent to myself now that mum n dad simply never could.  It was like making a decision to be the hero in my own story (can I have a cool cape, please, can i can i? :)).

This ceremony was a mixture of wildly cliched self help Tony Robbins fire walking chanting (OH & S people calm down… there was no real fire!) and a sweet little pussy cat simply knowing that life was about love, being love and living love.  It was a little bit of furry goodness.  And I kind of feel like the cat that just ate the something… what is that saying?…cream?  I can’t remember what the cat ate but I know it is good and that she is damned proud of herself.

So, that’s it for now.  I feel like I just threw up a bad curry and am ready for some juicy dessert.  Ooooh…. apparently tomorrow I get to start visioning the good shit.  Put Freud in a damned corner for a while cos that home boy has been flat out stalking me for three weeks.  Until then, juicy squishy hugs to you all. xxxxx  Ariella

 

 

Day 20 – Sorry Mumma, Papa, but, Nu-uh! I’m gonna live MY life, not yours!

Well campers, I would like to say that there is a VERY good reason as to why I have not posted for a few days.  Due to my recent bed bug situation, as informed, I hammered my room with diametateous earth.  Well… unfortunately for me, I am probably the 1% of the population that is semi allergic and I ended up in casualty not able to breathe!  Too many ariborne particles in my lungs restricting something that we all lovingly get kind of attached to in this life… AIR!

Just quietly, I love air.  It actually does it for me in a big way.  Particularly when I felt that I couldn’t get enough of it with every gasping breath that I took. It’s really unbelievable the amount of drama that I have created whilst trying to call in my one.  I mean not only is my room the opposite of a feng shuied love nest, I actually can’t sleep in it because it nearly fucking killed me.  Only God knows what it will do to any brave potential lover.

So after spending a few days at a friends recovering, I got home today and cleaned it all out (with a face mask like I’m from Armageddon).  But…. I’m happy to report that I can now breathe lots more air again and I am back!  What a blogging champion! 🙂

So… Day 20 was about the life that my parents did not live and coincidentally wanted me to live for them.  How friendly!  They migrated to Australia from peasant Spain and gave up everything for a ‘better life’, for their children.  I had to become an academic career legend scientific mathematician Buddha, for them to be ok.  You see, I was the forth and final child and was their last chance to make good of all they had given up for their damned ungrateful children.  Bless us, cuties that we are. 🙂

Unfortunately I tool it all on board and have spent way too much time trying to fit into ‘proper’ day jobs that make me want to rip my own spleen out (cutely).  Deep down I’m a wild creative… art, music, song, acting, writing.  It’s all good to me.  But, somewhere I accepted my fate and let it all go, feeling that it was somehow ‘bad’.  For the better part of 20 years,  I’ve never really let myself succeed as the artist that I am, still punishing myself for not being what they wanted. (Perhaps I am a mini Buddha after all.. hmmm)

Well, today we had to do a little ceremony where I imagine them releasing expectations and forgiving me completely.  Then I had to do the same for them.  Forgive them and release them from any further expectation.  It was pretty cool to feel that in this ‘spirit world’ they were actually pretty cruisy to let it all go.  And surprisingly, I found myself having to let go of them saving me.  I mean, really, save me?  I’m 38!  I’m telling you, this Kitty Kat is a deep soul ninja like a heavy scourer, digging up shocking gunge that I truly never saw.  Yep.  I wanted my daddy to save me from this hard hard world.  Oh sweet baby Jesus, how many times did I watch Gone with the Wind as a child?  Did I watch it and hit my head and have it make me believe that I needed saving.  I am not even going to touch this one further.  Needless to say Freud, one point to you.  Kitty Kat, another 10 on your board.

As for me, happy to be breathing!  Tomorrow… big Mo Fo Release Ceremony coming our way!  Yum!  Stay tuned campers! xxx

 

Day 18 – Healing the Wilderbeast hungry heart

Today was – for lack of a better word – frikken tops.  I’m feeling the light people.  The damned light is shining like a blow torch.  Today Kitty Kat was up for lots of free associating about how I was raised by both mum and dad.  It was about whether I felt supported, safe, let down, loved, connected, trust, kindness and fairness.  It was actually beautiful (aw shucks :)) to get this down and to then look at the list of what was missing in my childhood.

For me what was missing was a small semi trailer load as follows:

Nurturing, encouragement of talents, protection, being cherished, respect of boundaries, unconditional love and inspiration (my own add on).  Having said that, what my immigrant Spanish parents did very well, was basic hygienic care (its all about the food and the squeaky cleaning), basic life skills and consistency and dependability (even if I didn’t like the dependability, it was way dependable).

Then I had to read these statements aloud, releasing and forgiving my parents for failing to meet these needs and declaring a promise to do my absolute best to meet these needs myself, claiming them as mine fully and completely.  Wow, it was kind of surreal giving up the need of having someone else fulfill my endless wilderbeast pit of a need for unconditional love.  I still kind of want some stranger to just waltz in and love me like a beast for no real reason.  But apparently that’s my job first.  So homeys, I’m on the case!  Love self like small frenzied beast.  Check!

The bonus exercise today is to actively do one of these things for myself today.  So, today I’m going to delight in my presence in the world, as I am.  I am going to consistently delight in my aliveness and existence.  Let’s see how this pans out for me.

My killing mission is also in full force today.  I have bought a shit load of diametaceous earth and am on full scale potential killing mission of whatever the creatures are that persist to invade my life.  I’ve sent a call out to them all that they either exit or get shredded up like salami.  Choice is gold.

So, I will be slappin’ on a funky mask and going to town with this powdery stuff sprinkling it all over my life and belongings like Hansel and Gretel gone wrong.  Tomorrow is about reclaiming my disowned self.  What don’t I own?  What?  Come on baby… tell me tell me … 🙂 …