Well Kitty Kat is back with her usual tear provoking antics. I would like to say that when I read her writings on prayer and meditation this morning, unstoppable tears just poured down my face. 5 pages of major crying with new tear triggers occurring on every page.
Kat wrote about her relationship with God, how she felt completely abandoned during tough times in her life and basically dumped him (like a high school beau). She felt that she had totally offered herself up, heart and soul to God, and that instead of being used in a great way that she was simply ignored and tortured.
I have definitely had this type of experience where I have given up on God. Where I felt so lost and abandoned by life that it was hard to believe that I was not being ‘punished’ in some way. And now, 4 weeks into the saga of my biting creatures, I have really been feeling that I am being ‘punished’ for something or taught some major awful lesson. That God is making me suffer or getting me back for not coming good on my agreement with him to be a brave warrior princess and share my musical gifts with the world.
I realized that I’ve started bargaining with him, begging for help from this agony in exchange for a promise to fulfill my original promise of releasing music. I’ve started begging and promising that if he makes the creatures go away, then (and only then) will I do what I promised and come good on my deal. Only then will I start up my business as a healer and workshop facilitator and start performing again.
And, what I’m seeing now is that maybe the greatest lesson within this all is that I have to stop waiting for perfect conditions to start living my life. I have to find a way to be grateful now and to live accordingly. Now. Damn it.
I had to do a little meditation on my theme for love (courage) and after doing it, I felt clearer on the lessons of my bug trauma. Here’s my Oprah style AHA!:
1. I can overcome anything. I am strong. With courage and persistence, I will succeed.
2.Peace is available in ANY circumstance.
3.I can keep going with my goals, despite all obstacles. I don’t have to let things stop me.
4.I am so so grateful for the simplicity and beauty of an everyday life.
5. I must appreciate the beauty and simplicity of my life NOW, even with my current obstacle.
I think this is what is commonly called an epiphany. I am epiphonying all over myself today and am feeling that the only way through this is to take consistent focused action, both on the issue itself as well as with my own life. I still need to honor my body and state of mind and stay in a state of peace and grace amongst it all. (NOT EASY!!!!) 😉
But, I feel so much calmer and prepared to take on more cleaning today and feel that I will do it in a much more peaceful and balanced state.
Tomorrow – making wise choices. Really, can I get any wiser than this? 🙂
"Calling in the One" Journal 