Day 27 – The Big scary voice within. My epiphany!

Well Kitty Kat is back with her usual tear provoking antics.  I would like to say that  when I read her writings on prayer and meditation this morning, unstoppable tears just poured down my face.  5 pages of major crying with new tear triggers occurring on every page.

Kat wrote about her relationship with God, how she felt completely abandoned during tough times in her life and basically dumped him (like a high school beau).  She felt that she had totally offered herself up, heart and soul to God, and that instead of being used in a great way that she was simply ignored and tortured.

I have definitely had this type of experience where I have given up on God.  Where I felt so lost and abandoned by life that it was hard to believe that I was not being ‘punished’ in some way.  And now, 4 weeks into the saga of my biting creatures, I have really been feeling that I am being ‘punished’ for something or taught some major awful lesson.  That God is making me suffer or getting me back for not coming good on my agreement with him to be a brave warrior princess and share my musical gifts with the world.

I realized that I’ve started bargaining with him, begging for help from this agony in exchange for a promise to fulfill my original promise of releasing music.  I’ve started begging and promising that if he makes the creatures go away, then (and only then) will I do what I promised and come good on my deal.  Only then will I start up my business as  a healer and workshop facilitator and start performing again.

And, what I’m seeing now is that maybe the greatest lesson within this all is that  I have to stop waiting for perfect conditions to start living my life.  I have to find a way to be grateful now and to live accordingly.  Now.  Damn it.

I had to do a little meditation on my theme for love (courage) and after doing it, I felt clearer on the lessons of my bug trauma.  Here’s my Oprah style AHA!:

1. I can overcome anything.  I am strong.  With courage and persistence, I will succeed.

2.Peace is available in ANY circumstance.

3.I can keep going with my goals, despite all obstacles.  I don’t have to let things stop me.

4.I am so so grateful for the simplicity and beauty of an everyday life.

5. I must appreciate the beauty and simplicity of my life NOW, even with my current obstacle.

I think this is what is commonly called an epiphany.  I am epiphonying all over myself today and am feeling that the only way through this is to take consistent focused action, both on the issue itself as well as with my own life.  I still need to honor my body and state of mind and stay in a state of peace and grace amongst it all. (NOT EASY!!!!) 😉

But, I feel so much calmer and prepared to take on more cleaning today and feel that I will do it in a much more peaceful and balanced state.

Tomorrow – making wise choices.  Really, can I get any wiser than this? 🙂

 

Day 25 – Listening to God. What the @#%!!!

Hello muffins!

Today was about ‘Receiving Inner Guidance’.  And ‘m not talking about the kind of guidance that sends you to the pantry for a family block of Cadbury Chocolate.  No I’m talking about the woo woo from above kind.

To be honest, this is not a completely unfamiliar task to me.

As I said, I live in Byron Bay and for those of you who don’t know, this is essentially the hippy gathering of every weird arty healing thing you or your chakras have ever heard of.  There is a saying in Byron ‘Shake a tree and 50 healers fall out’.  And it’s probably not far off, since many of the healers may very well actually be climbing trees or simply frolicking in them for good times.

But I digress :).  Today I had to write a letter to God.  Yep the big Kahuna burger himself and basically have a bit of a chitty chat about my feelings, life etc and ask for guidance and help.  And then I had to write a letter back to myself from him.  Kitty Kat is going deep, deep undercover!

Funnily enough, when I wrote the letter, all that I could really focus on were my many biting creatures  (der!!!).  I just really want to get to the bottom of this so that I can move on with my life.  It has taken over my life in such a way that it is hard to focus on any thing else.  And I just found myself basically praying for some big help in transforming this once and for all.  It has now been almost 4 weeks since it started and I’m fearing for my sanity the same way that some people fear root canal.

And funnily enough, something was only too happy to reply to my whining creature bitten self.  In the letter I received, I was told that basically I have let my self be used by many in my life and that this was an energy that I needed to change on all levels (looks like I’m gonna have to face the flat mate after all.  Gasp!).  I would have to take charge of how I wanted people to treat me, completely, in order to transform my current creature laden life.  I was also told that this could last as long or short as I wanted it to but that if I grew a ball or 5 (my words, not God’s :)) and spoke up and really stood in my power, it would all be over in two weeks.  Sweet baby Jesus let it be true homey!!!!

I was also reminded that I had to find a way to stay in a place of peace and trust with this and knowingness that I would succeed.  If I felt defeated, I would be.  If I remained calm and strong and simply took consistent steps to transform my life, it would soon all be over.

I was also told that once I did this I would feel kind of invincible and able to transcend any obstacle, thus giving me a massive hit of motivation and action force to get on and live with passion.

So today I am action Jackson part 476 (or so it feels in my efforts to kill kill kill).  I’m off to buy products to start a whole new battalion.  Till then … ciao peeps xxx  Tomorrow – Establishing personal integrity.  Shit that sounds deep!