I spent about 4 months travelling central America with a beautiful friend and we had a little saying what we would spit out randomly when things were awesome “This makes me so happy!!!!!” It was our catch phrase: Eating coconuts, a good clean room, a great swim on theCaribbean, laying in a hammock on a balmy night. They all made us wildly happy. But I must admit I was just as often upset or disappointed when things appeared not to go my way: Not finding my dream shaman/ medicine woman to shake my soul into profound peace and take me up as her apprentice into a new life in some barefoot loin cloth tribe, always looking for ‘something’, feeling unloved by my long distance boyfriend at the time, feeling lost and wondering what the Hell I was actually doing wandering around the globe in search of peace.
I was a walking cliché of trying to find happiness within me but I was getting straight Ds in this. I was just scraping through and was often frustrated with myself, life and every millimeter of those around me. I was full of judgment and often didn’t understand how people could be as happy as they appeared living in apparent squalor. And, inside I felt profoundly lost.
Today was about looking at my life and simply choosing to accept it as it is without feeling that I need to change any thing to make me happy. Wow. The timing of this is quite profound. Considering that I am currently bunking up with a friend whilst looking for a home this is actually a bit surreal. I may end up as the Dalai Lama’s assistant if I can get through this puppy and genuinely feel happy with my lot, right now. Not when I find my new home or get a part time job to support paying more rent for the solo home that I now want (I would rather chew my own limb off than share with more random flat mates). Just happy, accepting my lot right now.
Now I get that this does not mean that I stop looking at creating a new home or doing things I want. It just means that I can’t put off my happiness until I do. I have a habit of shelving happiness like a Bronte novel. Keeping it for later. At some convenient point when I can pull it out and use it perfectly. But happiness is messy. And I do know this. Some of the most joyous times I’ve ever had in my life have been completely random and very messy. No one is actually pressuring me to make my life perfect in order to be happy except me. I am the only one doing this.
Today is about simply being grateful for everything and completely accepting. No wishing stuff away. Be ok with being sick. Be ok with no solo home. Today is about choosing happiness. Not forcing it or pretending I am. It is a choice as simple as what cereal to eat. This idea that happiness is always mine for the taking for the sheer privilege of being alive is one I often forget. But today, as I look for my home, I will do all I can to be ok and happy with my home right now: with friends I love, honoring the support and kindness of people who love and accept me for who I am. Today I can choose to be happy for allowing this experience into my life to show me and remind me that I am loved and that I too make a difference.
"Calling in the One" Journal 