Apparently things happen when you decide to rent a cute little cottage in the country for a week. Firstly, I would like to note that apparently this country air makes you channel Betty Crocker because as we speak, I am baking. My neighbor gave me a shit load of bananas and I am currently making some bullshit self concocted version of banana cake. In my country oven on the porch. I am also on my fifth David Deida tantra book in as many days, but who’s counting? 🙂
Yep… I have participated in four tantra workshops but have never actually read this home boys books. Holy shit, talk about confronting. True. Beautiful. Startling. Exposing. Just about any adjective that you would like to insert will probably do here. This man is all about breaking the mould. And it is making me reel with the awareness of the games I’ve been playing all my life. To save you 5 days in the country inhaling David Deida books whilst cooking dodgy banana bread, I will summarise:
Basically he says that we all have either a masculine or feminine essence, whether male female, heterosexual or homosexual. Most women are feminine in their sexual essence and most men are masculine. Feminine is all about surrender, about shining light, about being taken, being sensual and juicy. Masculine essence is about standing strong in truth, with purpose and claiming your woman with your integrity and love.
Now considering that I met my last serious partner at a tantra workshop, I would like to say that I have definitely had a taste of this. This whole losing your self in the overwhelming essence of falling into feminine softness and letting myself be ravished by the incredible strength of manhood. Yum. Better than my banana cake.
But what I realized is that despite my truth being all soft and gushy and lovey just like 80% of women, I am a hard arse. Bless J. Basically as a child I was told that I was smart but not pretty, so I think that I just accepted as my fate that I would have to use my charm, wit and other intellectual forces to seduce since I wasn’t gonna cut it with my little outer shell. Unfortunately what I have come to realize is that I am confronted by women preening and cooing, slapping out cleavage and big thigh hunks like a butcher’s special. And I judge these Goddesses. I am quietly enraged by their efforts (and successes) at collecting the booty at the end of the night when all that my wit and chit chat has got me is a few more man friends who think I’m tops but don’t want to fuck me. Or the man boys maybe do cos I am more of a man than they are. Bless them too. But really, in short: I’m a confounded fucking mess!
This awareness hit me like a big slap across the face with tantra book number 4. After about 6 hundred pages of repeated messages, it finally got through: Yes, a large part of me has become masculine. I am organized. I can get shit done. I know what I want. I’m not so good at surrendering control. But it doesn’t mean that I like it that way. It finally all clicked as to why I feel so traumatized about not being fully on track with my career: Because a huge part of me has become a damned man and for men, their purpose is paramount according to Lover Boy (aka David Deida).
Deida reckons that men need to be on purpose to feel free. What they want most is freedom. What women want most is to express their light. But I’m kind of all fucked up and now I want both! Sweet baby Jesus. If I could grow my own penis I would be right as reigns. But instead I’m left in this lovey dovey heart space where I desperately need to feel on purpose, continually terrified of joining the rat race, lest it mean I once again lose my freedom.
So what to do with all this mess? Excellent question! Thank fuck Lover Boy has a solution. Apparently I have to open. Open, open, open. Like a 7 Eleven that doesn’t even shut for Christmas. That open. Like one where they don’t even need a key cos the fucker is never gonna close. That open. To quote the home boy:
“You can open as love and live as love, even though you are not fully received by those you love. You can open as infinity and offer your deepest truth, even though your gifts may be refused by those you want to serve. You can live as openness even though your daily life may seem tawdry in light of your heart’s deepest shine.
“You are not here to transform the world and create love on earth. In truth, you aren’t here. You are openness. Abide as openness, live as love and appear as limits. You really have no choice.” Blue Truth, p 40
I can safely share with you dear ones that this was like another dirty wet fish across the face for me. He is all about simply owning it all, fully. When fully expressed, even anger is love, when open and from the heart. Not when it is stored as toxic waste and then used as repugnant fuel. But all is love if fully felt in a space of heart openness.
I, like many humans I know and love are all about the shut down. Shut down from pain. Protect. Reserve your energies. Stay safe. And then do do do things to make me feel better. Or to try to make me feel better. But what I notice is that when I feel most amazing and most connected is when I fully surrender into this magnificent feminine light or ecstasy. Yes sometimes, that involves incredible hours of heart connected, sensually exploding love making. But it can also happen when I am enraptured with birds in flight, dancing around me or in awe at the love that I see around me in the hearts of people every where. It is often when I am out of my head and deep in my heart, feeling, being and opening to the incredible miracle of it all. Open open open.
I had never really made the connection and have been trying to work out why my forced ‘doing’ just doesn’t really feel right. It often feels stifled and unnatural and then I get all guilty thinking I’m just a lazy slacker. But maybe this is my inner voice telling me to tread softly with my sweet self and to find my own way to dance in this strange thing called life. Maybe my spirit is begging me to remember it’s sweet soft feminine essence and that push energy is as natural for me as growing two hairy ball sacks.
Despite my enlightened moments of bliss, there is this part of me that keeps thinking that there is somewhere to get and that with enough work or focus, I can create enough satisfaction to finally… breathe. And then I think that with this breath, with this peace, I will find joy. More joy than the joy of my everyday moments. But there is no doing that can bring me the peace I seek. As he says:
“Waiting for love or doing anything to be loved is as fruitless as a fish swimming in the hope of getting wet. Already love is who you are. Love is that which is living your life, breathing your breath, moving your body.” Blue Truth P108
In a space of doubt or closing, no doing can lead to love or peace. In fact, I’m starting to think that maybe nothing good at all can come by living life in a safe emotional vault.
And so, I surrender my lock and keys. I get a sledge hammer and smash the lock to pieces. Really, what’s the point of all this safety anyway? Where has it gotten me? Only by crawling out into the wild woods of an open life is there anything worth living for. As he says it is all about giving our gifts and receiving those of others. A dance. A magical exchange of light. But I can only give my gifts in ways that truly serve my essence. I feel that this is truly stepping into a new way for me. No business plan. No lists. Some kind of wild flurry of synchronicity and shamanic explosive forces coming together as the sacredness of life itself. So now, I dance in its ashes like the wild woman I am.
And I will share my gifts not because I’m tired or scared or have no other choice. But because only by sharing my gifts can I finally open to all that I am. Open open open. I surrender holding back and finally open my heart, my gifts and my sensual feminine ecstacy to the world.
"Calling in the One" Journal 