What is your relationship like with ‘alone time’? Do you run from it like you are on fire? Or do you embrace that puppy into your arms like a latin lover with abs you can file your nails on?
I have just left my home and am spending time at my friends’s whilst looking for my new nest. So, my routine is up to shit. I am learning adaptability and sourcing my Gold and spirit inside me (as opposed to getting it from routines, things, places or events). So, I’m back to my morning writing ritual and today, as insturcted, I put my book down and just sat with myself, in silence. Now, I have to admit that this is something that I find pretty easy to do when in a good space. And particularly easy and joyful when surrounded by the magic of nature. Right now, I’m sitting on the patio listening to a wild multitude of birds going crazy with their morning songs. I can hear the ocean lightly crashing behind them like a velvet backdrop. The sky is blue. The trees as swaying lightly. The morning air is crisp in this fresh autumn day.
To me, this is pure peace. This is one of the things that brings me the greatest joy in the world. Simply sitting and being with this magnificent explosion of magical sound and being. Somehow, there is something amongst this symphony of life that my spirit finds great solace in. Somewhere in this space I slow down and join this natural rhythm. When I breathe with this rhythm, I too become natural once more. My brain slows down. My heart is filled with the joy of the birds as they scurry from branch to branch. And I can not wipe the gentle smile from my face. My body becomes a temple of bliss.
Put me alone in a dark, cold room and it could be a very different story. If I’m already in a good space, I can probably maintain that. I can hold my spirit and let it spread out to fill every inch of the room. But if my heart is in pain, then the lack of nature reminds me how far I am from everything sacred and I want to contract further still. I can’t find the peace I’m looking for inside myself and it sure as Hell isn’t visible outside, so I try to crawl into a dark little safe hole where nothing more can hurt me.
Now, this is an almost functional way to behave where I live in Byron Bay, idylic tropical islandish land of veritable paradise on a daily basis. There are almost as many blue skies here as alternate healing modalities (shit loads!) and life is basically smiley and sunny. But I want to be able to feel good in an damned Hell hole. I no longer want to fera my darkness, shadow or pain.
Today, I felt my usual blissy state as I tuned into the day. But I also has this kind of bunny rabbit feeling. A little nose twitching, curious, slightly cautious fluffy thing poking out from behind a rock. This is me at the moment. I am doing my best to actually use this forced change of events in my life to grow rather than contract. I feel like I’m checking out life with new eyes and deciding anew, what I want from it.
I feel like I am looking right into the sun, suddenly sure that it will not blind me, but that it actually holds incredible power fr me if I have the courage to take it. I feel like this really could be the last time I live alone prior to connecting with a long term partner and sharing a life together. So I think that it would truly honor me to find a space that is a haven for my soul. A sunny magical cottage with a bath that I can use as a retreat for my ever healing and flourishing soul.
I am 5 weeks into this 7 week process and I feel as though I don’t even know who I am any more. So many parts of me have beens tripped away. So much has changed inside and out. And all this morning solitude that I have been engaging in is starting to make me want to join life in a new way, with a rich open heart full of sweet expectation of what life brings. Childlike wonder and a dancing heart.
Tomorrow I start week 6 – A life worth living and the quote is ‘You can not have a happy ending to a miserable journey’. Love it. Today I will simply be with what is. I’ll have a bath. I’ll breathe. And I’ll spend time romancing my sweet soul back into peace in my soft, soft heart.
"Calling in the One" Journal 